fei du catchall

[diluvian]

sisi, local priest promoter

Comments

week 0, saturday

[diluvian]

[ their first trial was something, huh? that pipagate. she's on her way to check to see if the pool is empty, so she can run into fei du wherever. ]

I don't suspect that met any of your standards.

[ since he said he had experience with criminal psychology or whatever. ]

[metacognition]

Well... it wasn't going to meet any standards from the very start, all things considered.

[ fei du is here somewhere. vibing. there were snatches of quiet music playing, but he turns it off when he's spoken to, and gives her a smile. ]

... You said something about history back there, didn't you?

[diluvian]

[ me, seeing josh groban appreciation in his profile and wondering if it's a joke skill or a real skill: IT'S REAL HELP I STAN

she tilts her head, as if trying to recognize the music in the 2 seconds before he shuts it off. ]

I did. I know you all aren't from our world or know the history of it, but she's infamous.

week 1 monday

[metacognition]

[ ding! it's a text, actually! ]

Lambda - there's a Degas exhibit at the museum.
Would you like to come see it with me? I thought of you and our conversation the other day right away.

[diluvian]

Really? Truly? I've never seen it in person.

I won't wait another second. Let's go.

[ let's go let's go let's goooooooo she's so fucking stoked ]

[metacognition]

[ YAAAY good

when she makes it to the museum, fei du is there! he's dressed a little differently today, god bless new outfits, and he offers lambda both a smile and then his arm, like a gentleman. ]

There aren't a lot of them, but it's a start. Shall we?

week 1, friday

[diluvian]

[ what's up, fei du. how you holding up, this fine die day? there isn't as much blood today, not that lambda knows it.

there's no avoiding the prime topic of the day. ]

He was so normal.

[ she could describe rin any other way or talk about him any other way, but this is it. ]

[metacognition]

[ this is a big difference from looking at ballerinas huh

fei du is... fine? maybe. he's aloof, sort of unreactive, though maybe that says more than anything else. he's got a coffee in his hands, though he's not doing much with it, short of tapping his fingertip against the side of the cup. ]

He was. [ ... ] A grim reminder that this sort of thing can strike anyone.

[diluvian]

[ lambda seems unbothered, not quite moisturized, but she's as cool as ever. wish she'd pour one out more for rin, but she's just ok. she takes in his aloofness, though, and the coffee he isn't really drinking. ]

He wasn't the youngest or smallest, but you could see he wasn't one for battle. [ (physical) ]

week 2, monday

[diluvian]

[ salon day! salon day!

lambda is going to make this a little hard since she has no feet for pedicures, she won't pull back her sleeves back for manicures, and she won't take her sunglasses off....

but she will let her hair be touched! which is more enough since it is stupidly long. her hair is way too long.

her vibes are very particular. that's how she's feeling: particular. ]

If my sunglasses get dislodged, it won't be pretty.

[ that's a warning, but at least it doesn't seem like there's any violent intent behind it. ]

[metacognition]

[ salon day!!!

fei du, unfortunately, finds this very funny. his own emotions are very, very muted - it's almost like they're coming from another room, at first - but lambda will likely feel his amusement as he sits in a salon chair nearby, one ankle crossed delicately at the other knee. ]

It's true. Her eyes are so beautiful, you'll faint on the spot. [ winking at the shadow hairstylist, playful. ] Are you going to have them style it any particular way, do you think?

[diluvian]

[ not the delicately crossed ankles

she frowns as she thinks. ]

I'm not an expert in the fashion from... what decade is this supposed to mimic - 50s? 60s? But maybe those curls or ringlets.

Week 2, Saturday

[diluvian]

[ her emotions are like a still lake when she finds him in the museum, calm with bi ripples. ]

Will you answer anything, Fei Du?

[metacognition]

[ i understand bi ripples was a typo but it lives here forever now.

anyway. fei du looks up! he's sitting somewhere, with a bottle of red wine, holding his blue egg. when he looks up and spots lambda, he gives her a smile, but his emotions are best described as A Void. ]

I'll answer anything you'd like.

[diluvian]

[ my fat mobile fingers changed no to bi but both are valid now.

She glances at the egg. His void is fine. ]

How much or how long did you know?

Week 3, Tuesday

[diluvian]

[ THANK YOU FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES I CRASHED SO HARD YESTERDAY I'M SORRY

If fei du is going to mostly at the race track this week, here they are. Lambda, as always with her sunglasses on, is looking at this track with some consideration. ]

How confident are you with a passenger?

[metacognition]

[ ♥ i wuv u

fei du glances over at lambda - he's got a helmet under his arm, and is wearing the tight racing suit as given by the image from the race track. i don't make the rules.

he grins, though, an easy, confident smile. ]

Very. Want to ride?

w4 sunday!! POSES

[metacognition]

[ i'm really laughing that our last thread was riding motorcycles and we both got moto murders

anyway

fei du is kind of enjoying shibuya? you know what he's really enjoying is a lack of pigs. he's about to greet lambda, giving her a little wave....

and then a pig runs by. ]

[ after zhou huaixin is stabbed, repeatedly, in front of you, after you speak with his brother, after you call luo wenzhou and he picks you up, after the entire debacle with him in your house, you finally, finally, get a moment to yourself and your thoughts.

and that's the thing about it - they are your thoughts. they've been drilled into you by the malicious and purposeful actions of your father, who showed his love to you by making sure you were his protege. countless lessons were taught in the basement of the home where your family spent the most of their time. countless images as you sat at a tiny, rosewood desk, and watched your father beat your mother. countless words, as fei chengyu placed a hamster as small as your palm in your tiny, tiny hand, and talked to you about what life and death were really were. countless lessons as he placed a band of iron around your neck, punished your instincts of kindness with the tightening of a band that made you choke. countless lectures on how life and death were yours to control, how they didn't matter, how if people needed to die they just needed to die. how you were going to be his perfect heir, as he tucked your hair behind your ear and you trembled strapped into a chair. a monster well developed.

but the furniture in the basement of the home has been replaced. you still own the childhood house, passed on to you. it's exactly in the condition it was when the woman who lived here died, except for this room.

now that you own it, the basement has been remodeled. in the center of the room is a chair, surrounded by floor to ceiling LED screens. a small computer sits on a table by the chair, and a small refrigerator sits beside it. the room smells faintly, just barely, of blood.

you make your way down the stairs into the basement, and you shut the door behind you. you can still see the images in your head: huaixin, dying in front of you, how you felt for a moment this was just an animal, not a human being. the blood, blood from his stab wound, blood on his shirt, on the ground under his corpse, how sick and nauseous you felt seeing it - but how numb you felt, how you didn't know what the people around you were feeling, how you should feel, the way it felt like you were split in two parts, your father's voice -

"Every moment is death. The only thing that doesn't change is the sack of skin made of carbohydrates. If you feel an emotional connection to the sack of skin, isn't it like anthropomorphizing the pork on your plate? It's a sort of delusional disorder."

that numb emotional disconnect is still there, uncomfortable in your chest, almost too comfortable. you drop into the chair, calmly, and you reach for the leather belts, and tie them. around your arm. around your chest. around your waist. strapping yourself in. you take the electrodes and put them on your chest through your open shirt. you consider the emetics in the fridge, and then decide against it.

(Clinical research says there are several disadvantages to the use of drugs: the cerebral depressant effect may interfere with the patient's ability to form responses)

you reach over your head for the headphones on the edge of the chair, mechanically, and you put them over your head. take a deep breath in the disconnect and lack of emotion. feel the lack of care. feel it pushing at the edges of your definition of self. your hands are shaking again.

you type something one handed onto the little computer and hit a button. the sound of electricity buzzes through the chair around you, and you loll your head to look at the screen, eyes open. you hit play.

the video screens flare to life as the music plays over your headphones - a hysterical scream breaks through the cutting of the music, and the screens flash on in front of you. it's a direct broadcast of a murder, the victim screaming like a dying farm animal as the man killing them stabs into them with a knife - you raise me up so i can stand on mountains -

the minute it appears, you push a button - violently, electricity pulses through your body, sends you jolting and shuddering. again. again, as the video continues - people being beheaded, executed by firing squad - every time you see the image, you electrocute yourself - it hurts, it hurts it hurts - you hate pain and pain is watching other people suffer, pain is knowing that other people hurt, people's lives shouldn't be taken violently and cruelly you won't be a monster, you will do this over and over to yourself until you can't anymore, you will throw up the contents of your stomach at the sight of blood because you won't be what fei chengyu wanted you to be, you won't

( The use of the apparatus follows classical conditioning technique. The stimulus to which aversion is to be produced is presented, and then a shock is administrated. This procedure is repeated throughout the treatment session of 20 to 30 minutes, which can be held up to six times a day. The strength of the shock should be adjusted so that it is as painful as the patient can bear. )

[ when the memory ends he is just

staring at the pig with a look that could melt glass ]

[diluvian]

[ locks in your html i'm sorry

sorry to fei du who wanted a pig-free shibuya. the memory takes her aback, and it takes lambda a moment to process, to try to understand. lambda knows pain in different ways, but not like this. lambda is someone who's been called a monster by many, has accepted that she's a monster, and is fine with being a monster, but she does think it's easier for people and humans to be cruel.

it's more difficult to try to be kind, and it's the shocks that get to her, that he'd shock himself to feel for others again.

it's not what she expected.

she sees his glare and deliberates. ]

It wasn't for as weak a reason as I thought. [ ... ] We can move on, if you prefer.

[ she won't press. ]

week 5 sat

[metacognition]

[ thinks about how we get to return from cyoa all fucked up tomorrow. wipes a single tear

anyway it's saturday! fei du watched his first trial! what a mess!!

he's sitting on the hood of his unreasonably nice car, eating a mcflurry, just kind of watching the screens. most people have scattered, but it's kind of soothing? shenhe the duck is also here, sitting next to him on the hood of the car.

when he spots lambda, he gives her a little nod. ]

How're you feeling after that, Lambda?

[diluvian]

[ i know can't wait ]

I'm wondering if you know if the duck will become or do anything.

[ she is thinking, if they came from the adventures, do they mean anything?

that's not exactly the question he asked, but it's her immediate thought upon seeing him and the cute duck on this unreasonably expensive car. ]

w6, friday.

[metacognition]

[ lmao.

well.

when lambda's making her way through the hotel on this fine friday, she might hear a disturbing set of noises coming from behind the doors of the room everyone hung out in in curfew.

mainly, there's a sharp, violent crack of electricity, and then a mess of extremely jumbled thoughts - so jumbled together that they're almost impossible to fully understand, just layered voices and sounds. what sticks out, though, is this.

No, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no ]

[diluvian]

[ it's about what she expects. she's no stranger to despair after losing a loved one. she's lived that life once before. there was a difference between the situation here and what she had, though, but she suspects fei du won't be able to hear for a while.

fei du. she knocks on the door.

she doesn't expect a response. ]

week 7, monday

[diluvian]

[ this is after the living scans them in the other dimension and probably after the maid cafe meeting is done.... i still need to read it over i was so busy at work.

she raises a sleeve in greeting. ]

Nightingale said not to be alarmed, but we're not hard to miss.

[metacognition]

[ everything happened so much. fei du lifts two fingers and knocks off a little salute in greeting to her wave. he's no longer in a maid cafe but back in his suit, and is sitting with luo yiguo somewhere, just vibing and watching the screens. ]

Mm. Well, that's good. I imagine it'd be awkward if we asked them all to pretend they weren't seeing us. Many of the living are...not very good at being sneaky.