sorry to fei du who wanted a pig-free shibuya. the memory takes her aback, and it takes lambda a moment to process, to try to understand. lambda knows pain in different ways, but not like this. lambda is someone who's been called a monster by many, has accepted that she's a monster, and is fine with being a monster, but she does think it's easier for people and humans to be cruel.
it's more difficult to try to be kind, and it's the shocks that get to her, that he'd shock himself to feel for others again.
it's not what she expected.
she sees his glare and deliberates. ]
It wasn't for as weak a reason as I thought. [ ... ] We can move on, if you prefer.
anyway it's tiny but i live with my shame. he turns his head after a brief glower at said pig, and then - when lambda speaks, fei du pauses. a single spark flickers lightly over his knuckles. ]
... Ha. Well. If I hadn't, I'd be the opposite. [ enjoying the blood, maybe. enjoying the suffering. the way she handles it - harsh and sharp, instead of soft and cloying, is actually nice. it's how he'd prefer it to be handled, because it is a cruel, violent thing. it's a behavior he's done to himself, and the only part of it that he really hates is the part where he keeps hearing fei chengyu's voice, at all.
after a moment, he rubs at his throat, almost absently. ]
[ lambda is harsh and sharp because that's the only way she knows how to be. much like how he shocks himself to feel, it's through other's pain that she can feel something for herself in her own awful way.
lambda doesn't hold any weight to morals. she's too far removed for it to apply to her and her place in her world. ]
What kind of person do you want to be?
[ between what his father wanted to be and what he's like now or otherwise? ]
[ that's a good question. he's not sure what he was expecting - maybe more along the lines of what the actual fuck is wrong with you, but it's lambda, so, maybe not.
who does fei du want to be? who is he, really? most of the time, he's not even sure. he has so carefully constructed every part of his personality that it feels like there's no person, underneath. each layer he puts between his core and the rest of the world gets thicker and thicker with each passing year, until the curtains close and obscure him entirely. fei du can be anyone he wants to be, at any time. a kind, gentle benefactor to an old woman who lost everything. a cheeky little brother to tao ran. a flirtatious party boy to donglai. a cruel, ruthless businessman to every ceo in yan city. he's a transformer, a chameleon, terrified to face what he is on the inside just in case it turns out the way his father wanted it to.
... and that's something he can stick to. there's a long pause, before he answers, because fei du is always thoughtful. ]
...There are too many people in that circle who were taught that same way of life. I want to become the kind of person who uses that teaching to bring every single one of them down when they're least expecting it. [ for someone who has often been kind, there's a vicious edge to the way he says it, a sort of ominous cold. when you look into the abyss, the abyss gazes back at you, nietzche once said. fei du is the abyss. ]
I'll figure out who I am when that's done. [ if he survives. ]
[ she views things through such a weird lens. does she understand how he feels or why he did that so he could feel? not exactly. death and murder and violence are something that's normal enough for her that she doesn't feel bad about most of the time, and she's fine with it. she doesn't see a necessity to change it or to not be any kind of monster.
she's someone who's sure about who she is, so that's where she can't relate or resonate with fei du.
she doesn't think it's wrong for him to want to do that or be that, but... ]
I thought you wanted to be different than what you were taught.
[ that's what she gleaned from his memories. isn't using the methods he was taught, to attack the people who embody those methods, not that different? ]
Edited (I WASN'T DONE YET HOW DID THAT HAPPEN) 2023-07-19 06:46 (UTC)
[ he gives a little shake of his head, to that, expression shifting a little to something more familiar. calm, thoughtful. it's a little freeing to talk about it all - but he's dead. why not? ]
... It's the same reason why I didn't fight back, on Thursday. I'd known that he killed Shenhe, and I guessed that their team killed you, too. And I knew - at least, I hoped - that I could get Gerard caught at trial, instead of just killing him myself in vengeance. That's what my father would have done - he would have orchestrated an assassination with a car accident.
[ obviously the circumstances here are different, considering you cannot just orchestrate a car accident, only a bike accident where you go flying off the top of the rainbow waterfall for giggles, but thats besides the point. ]
...I want to take what I was taught and turn it back on them. Every piece of dirty money he earned, I've used either frivolously or to support people who need it. Every unsolved, cold case crime his people have their hands in, I've worked with the Yan City police to solve, and I'll keep working with the new ones if I survive here, too. I'll keep providing financial assistance to the widows and the children that their greed has let behind, and I'll let them keep thinking I'm too blinkered to know that I can see every single ministration they're sinking their fingers into. I'll even keep paying for my father's life support in a sanatorium, even if I wish he was dead.
[ even if all he'd have to do was reach in and grab his oxygen tubes, and pull them off. disconnect his life support. it'd be so easy. fei chengyu the monster, slain. and every year, on his own birthday, fei du visits him in that sanatorium, and every year, he stares at those oxygen tubes, and how easy it would be to simply pay someone to do it, or to avoid the cameras in the room and knock out the plug when no one was looking, pay off the hospital.
but he doesn't do it. and that's the difference between fei du and fei chengyu: he makes the conscious choice, every single day, to do the right thing. ]
I've started taking that organization apart from the inside, bit by bit. And I intend to find the ringleader of it all and put him away for good.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
sorry to fei du who wanted a pig-free shibuya. the memory takes her aback, and it takes lambda a moment to process, to try to understand. lambda knows pain in different ways, but not like this. lambda is someone who's been called a monster by many, has accepted that she's a monster, and is fine with being a monster, but she does think it's easier for people and humans to be cruel.
it's more difficult to try to be kind, and it's the shocks that get to her, that he'd shock himself to feel for others again.
it's not what she expected.
she sees his glare and deliberates. ]
It wasn't for as weak a reason as I thought. [ ... ] We can move on, if you prefer.
[ she won't press. ]
no subject
anyway it's tiny but i live with my shame. he turns his head after a brief glower at said pig, and then - when lambda speaks, fei du pauses. a single spark flickers lightly over his knuckles. ]
... Ha. Well. If I hadn't, I'd be the opposite. [ enjoying the blood, maybe. enjoying the suffering. the way she handles it - harsh and sharp, instead of soft and cloying, is actually nice. it's how he'd prefer it to be handled, because it is a cruel, violent thing. it's a behavior he's done to himself, and the only part of it that he really hates is the part where he keeps hearing fei chengyu's voice, at all.
after a moment, he rubs at his throat, almost absently. ]
You can ask.
no subject
lambda doesn't hold any weight to morals. she's too far removed for it to apply to her and her place in her world. ]
What kind of person do you want to be?
[ between what his father wanted to be and what he's like now or otherwise? ]
no subject
who does fei du want to be? who is he, really? most of the time, he's not even sure. he has so carefully constructed every part of his personality that it feels like there's no person, underneath. each layer he puts between his core and the rest of the world gets thicker and thicker with each passing year, until the curtains close and obscure him entirely. fei du can be anyone he wants to be, at any time. a kind, gentle benefactor to an old woman who lost everything. a cheeky little brother to tao ran. a flirtatious party boy to donglai. a cruel, ruthless businessman to every ceo in yan city. he's a transformer, a chameleon, terrified to face what he is on the inside just in case it turns out the way his father wanted it to.
... and that's something he can stick to. there's a long pause, before he answers, because fei du is always thoughtful. ]
...There are too many people in that circle who were taught that same way of life. I want to become the kind of person who uses that teaching to bring every single one of them down when they're least expecting it. [ for someone who has often been kind, there's a vicious edge to the way he says it, a sort of ominous cold. when you look into the abyss, the abyss gazes back at you, nietzche once said. fei du is the abyss. ]
I'll figure out who I am when that's done. [ if he survives. ]
no subject
she's someone who's sure about who she is, so that's where she can't relate or resonate with fei du.
she doesn't think it's wrong for him to want to do that or be that, but... ]
I thought you wanted to be different than what you were taught.
[ that's what she gleaned from his memories. isn't using the methods he was taught, to attack the people who embody those methods, not that different? ]
no subject
[ he gives a little shake of his head, to that, expression shifting a little to something more familiar. calm, thoughtful. it's a little freeing to talk about it all - but he's dead. why not? ]
... It's the same reason why I didn't fight back, on Thursday. I'd known that he killed Shenhe, and I guessed that their team killed you, too. And I knew - at least, I hoped - that I could get Gerard caught at trial, instead of just killing him myself in vengeance. That's what my father would have done - he would have orchestrated an assassination with a car accident.
[ obviously the circumstances here are different, considering you cannot just orchestrate a car accident, only a bike accident where you go flying off the top of the rainbow waterfall for giggles, but thats besides the point. ]
...I want to take what I was taught and turn it back on them. Every piece of dirty money he earned, I've used either frivolously or to support people who need it. Every unsolved, cold case crime his people have their hands in, I've worked with the Yan City police to solve, and I'll keep working with the new ones if I survive here, too. I'll keep providing financial assistance to the widows and the children that their greed has let behind, and I'll let them keep thinking I'm too blinkered to know that I can see every single ministration they're sinking their fingers into. I'll even keep paying for my father's life support in a sanatorium, even if I wish he was dead.
[ even if all he'd have to do was reach in and grab his oxygen tubes, and pull them off. disconnect his life support. it'd be so easy. fei chengyu the monster, slain. and every year, on his own birthday, fei du visits him in that sanatorium, and every year, he stares at those oxygen tubes, and how easy it would be to simply pay someone to do it, or to avoid the cameras in the room and knock out the plug when no one was looking, pay off the hospital.
but he doesn't do it. and that's the difference between fei du and fei chengyu: he makes the conscious choice, every single day, to do the right thing. ]
I've started taking that organization apart from the inside, bit by bit. And I intend to find the ringleader of it all and put him away for good.