[ she is uncertain why he keeps looking at her like that, freezing in that way when he sees her. it makes her almost afraid to ask, to hear an answer she doesn't know if she should know. her expression is neutral, but she can't hide all her concern.
and she's very concerned.
she has seen a small part of paraiso but doesn't have all the context. she does know her history, but maybe with all the clues from everyone else, she can slowly piece it together. ]
... The rebellion?
[ she lifts a sleeve to his neck, to where there's still blood. ]
[he doesn't move away from her touch, just drops the necklace back down.]
We had to make sure it happened. Shenhe and I were with the losing side. We could have easily done it, you know? We could have killed all those rebels and completed the mission.
[well he would have, it would have hurt shenhe, but she would have done it too]
But Shenhe's teammates were there. [... he trails off and finally looks away from lambda, and maybe his silence is telling enough]
[ did matsui convert rang to catholicism, too? lambda holds no reverence for christiaity and its job or for the religion as a whole. she knows about history to know how much he had to do, if he had to help ensure what happened.
she closes her eyes for a second. ]
She wavered from the mission. She doesn't hide how much she cares for them.
There were people D knew too, and Rin. All of them were children -- Nahri and Wolfwood too.
[he could very well leave it at that. that there was no way any of them could have won, even though d had tried. that the killing should have been left to him, without any attachments.]
[ the implication that she was there because of him makes her her hand still where it's on his neck. it's more of a surprise than anything else, and she doesn't know how she feels about it.
[the words are flippant, but he delivers them slowly at first, like he doesn't want to say. and then the words slip out a little faster, faster and faster]
It was a version of you, but it was still you. Even if you didn't know who I was. But it's not like I tried to tell you. You didn't trust me. I didn't want you to trust me.
[ lambda lifts her other hand to rest on his shoulder. she can understand that. if he knew he had to kill her anyway, there wouldn't be much point in getting her to trust.
[Rang lets that happen too, he's not sure he does it so that her presence can center him, or if he's too afraid of what will happen if he breaks away.]
I could have let the soldiers kill you. That was the correct history. [...] But I didn't want to.
[ this doesn't upset her as much as it should, and it also doesn't surprise her as much as it should. she takes a step closer to him. ]
I don't care that you didn't keep to every last detail.
[ it's the greater course that matters to history. what does history care for one little girl who doesn't trust the world? all that matters is she dies in the name in rebellion, isn't it?
in a way, at least he didn't abandon her to die alone. or she hopes he didn't leave her before she was dead. ]
Did you make it quick?
[ is it cruel to ask for details? is it strange? ]
[he thinks of lambda's voice in that hut. death in one place vs another. disease or starvation vs a chance to grasp something else, something the scenario would have never given her.
he's not a fool. he knows why d saw leon and chris, why rin saw haru and hikari -- why shenhe saw nahri and wolfwood. lambda and his brother were his burdens, meant to make him falter. his eyes hone in on the sliver of Lambda's neck that he can see (IS SHE WEARING THE PARKA ARA?)]
You would have made me fight for it. [if it was really her, if she wasn't a child assigned to suffer] But I did. All it took was one stroke.
I used me to do it -- my weapon. I was connected to it. I can still feel you even now.
[ we can say she's wearing the parka for this thread. she's wearing it over this. they really touken ranbu-fied this cyoa, huh. made them touken danshi and everything.
hearing him talk like that, like the weapon is him startles her a little. it makes her look up at him more closely and see where he's looking.
instead of answering with words, she closes the distance between them even more. she slides her arms down to circle him in a loose embrace. ]
[he freezes, stopping mid-speak at her embrace. don't, he thinks.]
...I didn't want to break you.
[not after seeing that memory, not after how lambda had died here. but more than that,]
I didn't want to kill you.
[he's a child again in the mountains, shaking hands pressed against a soft throat. he made it quick then. but it only happened because he let it happen, like he did with lambda. every action had a choice. he could say it was for the mission but he still did it. he thought he could kill anyone. he wasn't supposed to ever get close again. and yet, and yet, he still did, and for what?
[ her arms wind around him even tighter, and she presses herself against him, so he can feel that she's here. she's not broken. she may be dead, but she isn't dead because of him. ]
I know you didn't. I know you didn't want to, and I know you chose to do it anyway.
[ she won't tell him it wasn't. she won't lie to him about this. ]
It was a mercy of that girl, but it wasn't a mercy for you. It's okay to care, Rang. It's okay that you didn't want to but you did it anyway.
It doesn't make it hurt less. I don't think it ever will, but it's okay.
[ it's possible she could feel differently if she felt like it was really here, but she's has too many different existences to not be able to separate herself when she needs to. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
and she's very concerned.
she has seen a small part of paraiso but doesn't have all the context. she does know her history, but maybe with all the clues from everyone else, she can slowly piece it together. ]
... The rebellion?
[ she lifts a sleeve to his neck, to where there's still blood. ]
no subject
We had to make sure it happened. Shenhe and I were with the losing side. We could have easily done it, you know? We could have killed all those rebels and completed the mission.
[well he would have, it would have hurt shenhe, but she would have done it too]
But Shenhe's teammates were there. [... he trails off and finally looks away from lambda, and maybe his silence is telling enough]
no subject
she closes her eyes for a second. ]
She wavered from the mission. She doesn't hide how much she cares for them.
no subject
[he could very well leave it at that. that there was no way any of them could have won, even though d had tried. that the killing should have been left to him, without any attachments.]
...You were there too.
no subject
her voice is quieter. ]
... Was I a child, too?
[ she won't ask him how he killed her yet. ]
no subject
[the words are flippant, but he delivers them slowly at first, like he doesn't want to say. and then the words slip out a little faster, faster and faster]
It was a version of you, but it was still you. Even if you didn't know who I was. But it's not like I tried to tell you. You didn't trust me. I didn't want you to trust me.
[shenhe had tried. rang hadn't.]
But you were still there.
no subject
(it would be kinder this way, she thinks.)
her voice remains soft. ]
And I still had to die?
no subject
I could have let the soldiers kill you. That was the correct history. [...] But I didn't want to.
[but he couldn't save her]
I killed you instead.
no subject
I don't care that you didn't keep to every last detail.
[ it's the greater course that matters to history. what does history care for one little girl who doesn't trust the world? all that matters is she dies in the name in rebellion, isn't it?
in a way, at least he didn't abandon her to die alone. or she hopes he didn't leave her before she was dead. ]
Did you make it quick?
[ is it cruel to ask for details? is it strange? ]
no subject
he's not a fool. he knows why d saw leon and chris, why rin saw haru and hikari -- why shenhe saw nahri and wolfwood. lambda and his brother were his burdens, meant to make him falter. his eyes hone in on the sliver of Lambda's neck that he can see (IS SHE WEARING THE PARKA ARA?)]
You would have made me fight for it. [if it was really her, if she wasn't a child assigned to suffer] But I did. All it took was one stroke.
I used me to do it -- my weapon. I was connected to it. I can still feel you even now.
[lambda's blood coating every one of his blades,]
no subject
hearing him talk like that, like the weapon is him startles her a little. it makes her look up at him more closely and see where he's looking.
instead of answering with words, she closes the distance between them even more. she slides her arms down to circle him in a loose embrace. ]
no subject
...I didn't want to break you.
[not after seeing that memory, not after how lambda had died here. but more than that,]
I didn't want to kill you.
[he's a child again in the mountains, shaking hands pressed against a soft throat. he made it quick then. but it only happened because he let it happen, like he did with lambda. every action had a choice. he could say it was for the mission but he still did it. he thought he could kill anyone. he wasn't supposed to ever get close again. and yet, and yet, he still did, and for what?
just more blood. just more suffering.]
no subject
I know you didn't. I know you didn't want to, and I know you chose to do it anyway.
[ she won't tell him it wasn't. she won't lie to him about this. ]
It was a mercy of that girl, but it wasn't a mercy for you. It's okay to care, Rang. It's okay that you didn't want to but you did it anyway.
It doesn't make it hurt less. I don't think it ever will, but it's okay.
[ it's possible she could feel differently if she felt like it was really here, but she's has too many different existences to not be able to separate herself when she needs to. ]