[it's emotionshare.... rang's emotions that are leaking out of him....
Rang watches her take a bite, and thinks yet again that she doesn't have to do this at all. Yet another sign of Lambda doing more for him then he has for her. He taps the edge of his spoon against the McFlurry, and then puts both it and the glass down, reaching over to take the spoon from her hand.]
You gave me something no one else ever has.
[he knows that other people care about him here, for reasons that he hasn't bothered to ask about. but the difference between their affection and lambda's is vast. and more than that, the rest will leave him, but lambda has said she won't.]
I don't deserve it. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful, or that it didn't make me happy.
[ oh, her emotions tremble, listening to him. she lets him take her spoon and watches him set the ice cream aside for a second before she looks up at him.
the only thing lambda wants is for rang to be happy even if he won't let himself. she's willing to try to force it. ]
Don't you know anything from me is only ever earned? [ her asking for exchanges isn't just for show, and it's more fair than she usually is, for as much as her love transforms how she gives and takes.
but now that they're here, near the end. she knows one thing she has to say to him. if she's made him happy.... ]
Don't ask me to let you go. I don't want to.
[ she doesn't want to leave him. she said she wouldn't, and she meant it. ]
Their time together has been tempered by this, Rang who expects there to be an end, and Lambda who doesn't want there to be. Rang who doesn't know love or how to love, and Lambda who knows both. All throughout, his emotions have always been conflicted, confused, tentative, but he still held onto her anyway. That was the problem. He'd never been sure, and he'd accepted Lambda's feelings anyway. He accepted them without believing in them, and now it's come to this.
Having to hurt her, the same exact way he's been hurt before. He sees the irony in it, and it cuts like the sword that split him in two.
I should have never said anything in the first place.]
I'll leave you either way. [his voice is toneless, even if he's anything but unfeeling now] If not now, then later.
[maybe in another life, he could let that love save him. maybe in that one, he wouldn't care so much about what person did to him, and wouldn't have let that twist him into what he is now. selfish, weak, someone who always gives up.]
[ the thing about lambda is that she does let go, as much as she wants to cling on. her love has made her let go time and time again.
it would be easier for lambda to let him go if she knew he'd be happy without her, if she knew he'd be happy at all, but she knows he's not. she can see he hardly knows how to let himself be happy. if he claims he doesn't what love or affection is like, how could he?
she's learned how to serve, but how can she support this? ]
I don't. If you have to leave me, leave me where I can see you.
[ he had been so hurt over killing her in that scenario based on the swords' memories, but a horrible part of her thinks she'd rather kill him than know someone else will. she wishes desperately to save the people she loves, but if rang doesn't want to be saved, what can she do?
she doesn't want to give up. she refuses to. where he's toneless, her entire heart is making her choke on her her words. ]
he'd tried to sound emotionless, even though the emotions thrumming underneath his skin are giving him away, but at the sound of Lambda's voice, he stops trying. he sounds pleading in turn, like the child he is. reaching for reasons that could somehow protect him from the pain he's causing lambda,]
I just can't.
[he just can't be.
even here, in this strange place, outside of everything and everyone he knows. even with all the people he's come to care for, lambda included. even with the option of leaving everything behind and starting anew with someone who's willing to stay with him.
'Salvation is impossible for those who don't want to save themselves.'
Happiness must be the same thing, then.]
I wish I could want it. [he wishes he wasn't like himself.
but he's been wishing and wanting ever since Lambda held him close and pressed her lips to his. he's been dragging her around, her and her feelings, enjoying something that he should never have claimed to accept.]
[ this is utter horseshit to her. you can be saved even if you don't want to saved. you can learn happiness even if you've never known it before, even if you don't expect it. she knows. how many times has she been left and thrown away, expected to die and be forgotten?
his words do hurt her, but they don't cow her. her nature is aggression. even if all her defenses are down, even if she's falling apart (but she's nowhere near broken yet), all she can do is attack. ]
You can't? You don't want it?
[ the disbelief is clear in her voice, and her tone becomes sharp. ]
Do you think I haven't been processing these last two weeks? Is your brain sanded to a husk? Do you think I can't feel your emotions this week? If you didn't want it at all, you would have turned me away two weeks ago! If you didn't yearn for it, you wouldn't still be here in front of me.
[ he had so many chances to spurn her, to avoid her, to draw a line, and every time he never did. she doesn't blame him for that because she told him to be selfish. she wants him to feel happy. she wants him to feel loved.
she wants to love him. ]
You're afraid, and you still think I'm something I'm not, wanting something I'm not, feeling or doing something I'm not eve though I've never asked for anything in return other than to not make me let you go.
[ other than for him to be open to being happy. ]
Why are you trying to run from me? Why won't you accept what I want to give?
[if she's five seconds from kicking him then what he does next should make it easier, because Rang, who'd been standing apart from her as if trying to maintain distance, suddenly closes it one step, and then another, reaching out to grip her by her arms so he can pull her closer,
if lambda is angry then he can be angry too, and the emotion feels whip fast and familiar. if her nature is aggression, then his is too. in this they're similar, in a lot of other ways they're the same too,]
And if I do? Then what? Are you going to come to my world? Are you going to spend whatever time I have left with me, someone who doesn't know how to love you, only to get stuck in that miserable place after I die?
[Who would want that?
It's so easy for everyone else to say it. That Rang could simply choose to be with Lambda. That he's scared of being with someone. He doesn't care what everyone else says, or what they think of him. They don't know him. And he doesn't think Lambda does either, otherwise she wouldn't be standing here in the first place.]
[ she lets him grab her and pull her closer. she doesn't resist it at all. she'd rather try to get to the core issue, whatever it is. his anger doesn't faze her, and in fact, she cools in the face of it. ]
Your field of vision has always been so narrow and contained, selfish in how much you hurt. In your hate and your anger and in how much you want to keep hurting.
[ love does not mean all niceties, but she's never been nice. he is still fixed 600 years in the past, and while she doesn't know how much, she has some idea.
she takes a step forward and brings them even closer. ]
Why do you think I'd be stuck doing anything, as if I'd do anything I wouldn't want to do?
Why isn't that something you want for me?
[ you don't know what i want. despite everything she keeps on telling him, despite everything she keeps on showing him.
he says he doesn't know how to love her, but that's because he doesn't know he has already shown love to others. if you don't know how to love, why are you so angry? ]
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no subject
Rang watches her take a bite, and thinks yet again that she doesn't have to do this at all. Yet another sign of Lambda doing more for him then he has for her. He taps the edge of his spoon against the McFlurry, and then puts both it and the glass down, reaching over to take the spoon from her hand.]
You gave me something no one else ever has.
[he knows that other people care about him here, for reasons that he hasn't bothered to ask about. but the difference between their affection and lambda's is vast. and more than that, the rest will leave him, but lambda has said she won't.]
I don't deserve it. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful, or that it didn't make me happy.
no subject
the only thing lambda wants is for rang to be happy even if he won't let himself. she's willing to try to force it. ]
Don't you know anything from me is only ever earned? [ her asking for exchanges isn't just for show, and it's more fair than she usually is, for as much as her love transforms how she gives and takes.
but now that they're here, near the end. she knows one thing she has to say to him. if she's made him happy.... ]
Don't ask me to let you go. I don't want to.
[ she doesn't want to leave him. she said she wouldn't, and she meant it. ]
no subject
Their time together has been tempered by this, Rang who expects there to be an end, and Lambda who doesn't want there to be. Rang who doesn't know love or how to love, and Lambda who knows both. All throughout, his emotions have always been conflicted, confused, tentative, but he still held onto her anyway. That was the problem. He'd never been sure, and he'd accepted Lambda's feelings anyway. He accepted them without believing in them, and now it's come to this.
Having to hurt her, the same exact way he's been hurt before. He sees the irony in it, and it cuts like the sword that split him in two.
I should have never said anything in the first place.]
I'll leave you either way. [his voice is toneless, even if he's anything but unfeeling now] If not now, then later.
[maybe in another life, he could let that love save him. maybe in that one, he wouldn't care so much about what person did to him, and wouldn't have let that twist him into what he is now. selfish, weak, someone who always gives up.]
...I'd rather it be now.
no subject
it would be easier for lambda to let him go if she knew he'd be happy without her, if she knew he'd be happy at all, but she knows he's not. she can see he hardly knows how to let himself be happy. if he claims he doesn't what love or affection is like, how could he?
she's learned how to serve, but how can she support this? ]
I don't. If you have to leave me, leave me where I can see you.
[ he had been so hurt over killing her in that scenario based on the swords' memories, but a horrible part of her thinks she'd rather kill him than know someone else will. she wishes desperately to save the people she loves, but if rang doesn't want to be saved, what can she do?
she doesn't want to give up. she refuses to. where he's toneless, her entire heart is making her choke on her her words. ]
Why won't you let me make you happy?
[ why don't you want to be happy? ]
no subject
he'd tried to sound emotionless, even though the emotions thrumming underneath his skin are giving him away, but at the sound of Lambda's voice, he stops trying. he sounds pleading in turn, like the child he is. reaching for reasons that could somehow protect him from the pain he's causing lambda,]
I just can't.
[he just can't be.
even here, in this strange place, outside of everything and everyone he knows. even with all the people he's come to care for, lambda included. even with the option of leaving everything behind and starting anew with someone who's willing to stay with him.
'Salvation is impossible for those who don't want to save themselves.'
Happiness must be the same thing, then.]
I wish I could want it. [he wishes he wasn't like himself.
but he's been wishing and wanting ever since Lambda held him close and pressed her lips to his. he's been dragging her around, her and her feelings, enjoying something that he should never have claimed to accept.]
But I don't. And I don't want to let you.
no subject
his words do hurt her, but they don't cow her. her nature is aggression. even if all her defenses are down, even if she's falling apart (but she's nowhere near broken yet), all she can do is attack. ]
You can't? You don't want it?
[ the disbelief is clear in her voice, and her tone becomes sharp. ]
Do you think I haven't been processing these last two weeks? Is your brain sanded to a husk? Do you think I can't feel your emotions this week? If you didn't want it at all, you would have turned me away two weeks ago! If you didn't yearn for it, you wouldn't still be here in front of me.
[ he had so many chances to spurn her, to avoid her, to draw a line, and every time he never did. she doesn't blame him for that because she told him to be selfish. she wants him to feel happy. she wants him to feel loved.
she wants to love him. ]
You're afraid, and you still think I'm something I'm not, wanting something I'm not, feeling or doing something I'm not eve though I've never asked for anything in return other than to not make me let you go.
[ other than for him to be open to being happy. ]
Why are you trying to run from me? Why won't you accept what I want to give?
[ she is five seconds from kicking him. ]
no subject
if lambda is angry then he can be angry too, and the emotion feels whip fast and familiar. if her nature is aggression, then his is too. in this they're similar, in a lot of other ways they're the same too,]
And if I do? Then what? Are you going to come to my world? Are you going to spend whatever time I have left with me, someone who doesn't know how to love you, only to get stuck in that miserable place after I die?
[Who would want that?
It's so easy for everyone else to say it. That Rang could simply choose to be with Lambda. That he's scared of being with someone. He doesn't care what everyone else says, or what they think of him. They don't know him. And he doesn't think Lambda does either, otherwise she wouldn't be standing here in the first place.]
no subject
Your field of vision has always been so narrow and contained, selfish in how much you hurt. In your hate and your anger and in how much you want to keep hurting.
[ love does not mean all niceties, but she's never been nice. he is still fixed 600 years in the past, and while she doesn't know how much, she has some idea.
she takes a step forward and brings them even closer. ]
Why do you think I'd be stuck doing anything, as if I'd do anything I wouldn't want to do?
Why isn't that something you want for me?
[ you don't know what i want. despite everything she keeps on telling him, despite everything she keeps on showing him.
he says he doesn't know how to love her, but that's because he doesn't know he has already shown love to others. if you don't know how to love, why are you so angry? ]