[he knows buzen loves, he's been told that before, and has felt it, but he unfortunately doesn't count anything about the curse as real.]
Am I supposed to feel the same way he does? Am I supposed to think that you're the cutest and that you can love whoever you want? Or should I be like Shenhe, and miss you whenever you're not around or be scared of hurting you?
[ feelings that go away so easily aren't real. she wouldn't count the love curse real either despite her complicated and complex emotions about it. ]
No. You don't have to feel anything like they do. You don't have to think I'm cute. I don't want to love just anyone. [ i don't want you to love whoever you want. the thought borderlines on dangerously possessive, but at the same, she doesn't want him to force himself to love her. ] You don't have to be scared of hurting me.
Because I won't stop myself when I'm with you, and I.... [ my love can end up hurting others. she knows that much about herself. ] What we have.... what we're doing doesn't have to be like anyone else. I don't want it to be.
I just want what's ours. What you'll give me. What I'll take. What I'll give you.
[ you don't have to.... he doesn't have to love her. ]
[It's wildly different from all the love Rang's observed so far. But it's an answer at least, one that Rang can wrap his head around. He listens to her thoughts trail off, and he thinks he does feel something -- sympathy? he's not a sympathetic creature. sadness? he's only ever been sad for himself for so many centuries, and he's only started learning to grieve with and for others. but he thinks he feels some measure of it now for someone other than himself, for lambda.
this is what she wants, she says. but is it fair?
it's so difficult to think of someone other than himself, if only because he has no idea where to start.]
...The only love I've ever known was from my brother. And he's the only person I've ever loved.
[he doesn't think to distinguish it from romantic love, he's never experienced it so this love feels the same, all encompassing,]
...And I still love him even now. [Enough that I want to die with him.] So I don't know if there's anything left over to give. And if there is, I don't know if it's worth anything to you.
[ it hurts a little to hear this. why do— it's unfair to think that when she knows the form and volume of her own love, but her thoughts turn dark for a moment. should she snatch that from him? should she kill him first if they ever get their abilities back? can she handle thinking he'd die somewhere else, by someone else's hand?
her love can be as unilateral as it is devoted, as self-absorbed as it is overflowing.
it hurts to hear him say he wants to die. to hear him think it. everyone she's ever loved leaves her one way or another. she should be used to it and accept it, content with her love, but it does hurt. it speaks enough that he still loves his brother.
she looks to where their hands are connecting, to where she's holding onto his hand, and she wonders how much that describes their relationship, how much of it is that she's holding onto him when all he wants is to leave.
she wonders if this is similar to how buzen feels when matsui is so ready to fade away. the difference is how so in love matsui is with buzen. can she tether rang like how buzen does matsui? she doesn't know.
she wants to tell him to accept her love and affection for what it is even if he's so skittish when it comes to love, even if the only love he has is for his brother. she'll pour all her love on him anyway.
her lips part to form words, and it takes a moment before anything comes out. ]
What do you want to give me? What do you think I should be given? What do you think is worth it to me?
[ don't you know— doesn't he know her love has never been returned? ]
Rang hears her thoughts half-formed, and his own flicker in reply in confusion. I don't know. Isn't that the problem? He wishes that he did. He's spent his whole life examining other people's wants and desires, if only to manipulate them better.
It's just the first time that these wants or desires have anything to do with him, and from someone he doesn't want to hurt. He rifles through his memories, back to that night when Lambda had pressed her lips against his and spoken her wants.]
...You said you want to see all of me.
[...]
You said you didn't want me to stay with you if it's a lie.
Yes. I did. And you said you wanted to spend whatever time we had left with me.
[ more than receiving love, she wants to give it, even if hurts. even if hurts him, even if hurts her.
she has never minded hurting. she has only ever minded being disgraced. ]
You used up my last question. [ so he can't call it a lie. this is the one thing he can't say is a lie. ] Should I just take? While you don't know, should I just do what I want?
[ if he won't give her any other answer, if he won't say yes, if he won't say no.
if all he has is uncertainty, should she just push him until he can find his own answer? ]
[Before, he thinks he would have said yes -- out of curiosity to see what Lambda will do. Because this could be all the time he has left, and his answer from before is unchanged. He'd like to spend it with Lambda. She amuses him, she understands him, she makes him feel.
It's not the same feeling she feels for me.
Now, he's thinking of his answer. Letting anything happen, without caring of the consequences -- that's him too, one of the things his brother hates the most about him. His grip tightens on Lambda's hand as he looks at her. Things like taking, doing what she wants... She's nothing like Imugi or the human who bound him to them, but the words scare him still.]
...I won't take those words back. Whatever time I have left here -- I'll spend it with you.
[...]
But I want you to let me go, at the end of this.
[If it's up to us. If we have the choice to. Because if they don't, then he'll have to leave her either way.]
[ even if her feelings were returned, she never expects anyone to feel love the same way she does. even though that's true, it hurts to hear those thoughts.
she's still a girl despite how insensitive she is. why does she want more from him than she's wanted from anyone else? why does she want to keep him so much?
she tries her best to squeeze his hand in return, but she'll never be able to hold onto anything as tightly as she wants. ]
Why do you want me to let you go? [ ... ] Why do you want this to be our choice?
[ isn't this more his choice?
lambda would do so much for him, but she doesn't know why he wants this. he's already hinted about how much she doesn't know.
she wants to know everything. even if she won't like it, even if it'll only cause her pain, she wants to know. please. i want to know. ]
[rang thinks about how this relationship between him and lambda has been born from simply asking questions of one another. sometimes refusing to answer those questions, sometimes asking ones just to irritate, but there were always some. it feels fitting now that they're both still asking.
Even if he thinks he's doing something wrong, just by telling her all of this in the first place. He takes a breath, not so much gathering strength as he is buying time.]
...I could say a lot of things. Like how I don't want you to see me like that, or that I think you deserve better than a half-fox who doesn't want to live.
[which are all true, actually, when he says the words he realizes that,]
Because the truth is that I'm going to die, and soon. I've come too far to turn back now.
[It's either my brother kills me, or I kill him and die after.]
[ answers this tag before i set up my pcs but i've come too far to turn back now is SUCH A KDRAMA PHRASE soots him
she told him she wanted to know all of him, see every part of him, and she wasn't lying then. if this is a part of him, that's what she wants. it should be enough to be with him for these few days, but she still wants more. she's learning that the more and more he tells her he should let her go, the more he keeps on reminding her how much he wants to die.
she can't stop her thoughts. what about what i want?
she told him to be selfish with her, but it's not like she's someone who just rolls over and accepts anything. she will do almost anything, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have her own wants, too. he doesn't have to love her back, but if he says he wants to be with her for these last few days, then he should be with her.
her eyes flash with a multitude of emotions. ]
You'll have to convince me that I can let go.
[ that's all she says before she pulls him down for a kiss. ]
Rang lets Lambda pull him down, presses his lips against hers, letting some of his own emotion reflect in it -- his frustration, his confusion, the knowledge that the only reason he can't keep whatever this is between them is because of him. that he wants it this way, because he doesn't know what else to want.
(because the things he wants he can't have, and isn't this yet another example?)
at some point he pulls back, even if lambda tries to keep him in place, so that he can look at her face properly]
...If that's what you want.
[for him to convince her.
he thinks he can.
if his brother could let him go, then he can't see why lambda can't.]
[ he pulls back, and she locks her eyes on his, searching for what he wants. because she doesn't want to believe this is it.
this isn't what she wants. it's not what she wants at all. she wants to have him. she wants to be with him. she wants to be by his side. she wants him to be happy. she wants to be able to make him happy.
she'd let him go, if only she knew he'd be happier that way, but everything he says or does makes her believe he's only running straight for misery, ands she hates it. she doesn't know how to say it succinctly, so she chooses to do something else instead.
her hand slides down his arm to grab his hand, and she pulls him into the nearest hotel room, closing the door behind them. her thoughts are clear:
[Once it's clear what Lambda wants -- when she pulls him along all the way back to the hotel, when she closes the door behind them, when she turns to him with thinks her very certain thoughts -- Rang looks from the bed to her.
He'd looked very sure before when he was holding her hand and telling her everything he wanted, but not anymore. He feels out of place. He's no stranger to intimacy when it serves another purpose, sweet-talking and seduction and getting a human to lower their guard down long enough for him to ruin their life. But he's never let them lay their hands on him, and vice versa. Easier to grip them by the chin and make them look into his eyes -- make them believe it happened without lifting a finger.
Intimacy is an illusion. A shield. Just a way to manipulate someone.
He's not used to the idea of it being real, with someone who knows what he is, and wants him anyway.]
[ he isn't going to find out because she isn't going to say it, but neither has she. she's someone who's kept to herself more often than not and kept people at a distance. she makes it hard for people to get close. she may be a being created from the emotion of pleasure, but it's difficult for her to feel her own.
there haven't been many she's wanted to be intimate with in this way, not when her sadism can be satiated in other ways.
there's a reason some people view her as brutal and callous monster. ]
I don't mind. You won't disappoint me.
[ i just want you to feel something. i want to make you feel more. she wants to give him what she can.
she leads him to the bed. ]
I'm afraid I don't know how to be gentle.
[ unfortunately, she knows what she's like when she becomes excited, but she cares for him too much not to give him a warning. ]
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no subject
[he knows buzen loves, he's been told that before, and has felt it, but he unfortunately doesn't count anything about the curse as real.]
Am I supposed to feel the same way he does? Am I supposed to think that you're the cutest and that you can love whoever you want? Or should I be like Shenhe, and miss you whenever you're not around or be scared of hurting you?
no subject
No. You don't have to feel anything like they do. You don't have to think I'm cute. I don't want to love just anyone. [ i don't want you to love whoever you want. the thought borderlines on dangerously possessive, but at the same, she doesn't want him to force himself to love her. ] You don't have to be scared of hurting me.
Because I won't stop myself when I'm with you, and I.... [ my love can end up hurting others. she knows that much about herself. ] What we have.... what we're doing doesn't have to be like anyone else. I don't want it to be.
I just want what's ours. What you'll give me. What I'll take. What I'll give you.
[ you don't have to.... he doesn't have to love her. ]
no subject
this is what she wants, she says. but is it fair?
it's so difficult to think of someone other than himself, if only because he has no idea where to start.]
...The only love I've ever known was from my brother. And he's the only person I've ever loved.
[he doesn't think to distinguish it from romantic love, he's never experienced it so this love feels the same, all encompassing,]
...And I still love him even now. [Enough that I want to die with him.] So I don't know if there's anything left over to give. And if there is, I don't know if it's worth anything to you.
no subject
her love can be as unilateral as it is devoted, as self-absorbed as it is overflowing.
it hurts to hear him say he wants to die. to hear him think it. everyone she's ever loved leaves her one way or another. she should be used to it and accept it, content with her love, but it does hurt. it speaks enough that he still loves his brother.
she looks to where their hands are connecting, to where she's holding onto his hand, and she wonders how much that describes their relationship, how much of it is that she's holding onto him when all he wants is to leave.
she wonders if this is similar to how buzen feels when matsui is so ready to fade away. the difference is how so in love matsui is with buzen. can she tether rang like how buzen does matsui? she doesn't know.
she wants to tell him to accept her love and affection for what it is even if he's so skittish when it comes to love, even if the only love he has is for his brother. she'll pour all her love on him anyway.
her lips part to form words, and it takes a moment before anything comes out. ]
What do you want to give me? What do you think I should be given? What do you think is worth it to me?
[ don't you know— doesn't he know her love has never been returned? ]
What do you think I want from you?
no subject
Rang hears her thoughts half-formed, and his own flicker in reply in confusion. I don't know. Isn't that the problem? He wishes that he did. He's spent his whole life examining other people's wants and desires, if only to manipulate them better.
It's just the first time that these wants or desires have anything to do with him, and from someone he doesn't want to hurt. He rifles through his memories, back to that night when Lambda had pressed her lips against his and spoken her wants.]
...You said you want to see all of me.
[...]
You said you didn't want me to stay with you if it's a lie.
no subject
[ more than receiving love, she wants to give it, even if hurts. even if hurts him, even if hurts her.
she has never minded hurting. she has only ever minded being disgraced. ]
You used up my last question. [ so he can't call it a lie. this is the one thing he can't say is a lie. ] Should I just take? While you don't know, should I just do what I want?
[ if he won't give her any other answer, if he won't say yes, if he won't say no.
if all he has is uncertainty, should she just push him until he can find his own answer? ]
no subject
It's not the same feeling she feels for me.
Now, he's thinking of his answer. Letting anything happen, without caring of the consequences -- that's him too, one of the things his brother hates the most about him. His grip tightens on Lambda's hand as he looks at her. Things like taking, doing what she wants... She's nothing like Imugi or the human who bound him to them, but the words scare him still.]
...I won't take those words back. Whatever time I have left here -- I'll spend it with you.
[...]
But I want you to let me go, at the end of this.
[If it's up to us. If we have the choice to. Because if they don't, then he'll have to leave her either way.]
no subject
she's still a girl despite how insensitive she is. why does she want more from him than she's wanted from anyone else? why does she want to keep him so much?
she tries her best to squeeze his hand in return, but she'll never be able to hold onto anything as tightly as she wants. ]
Why do you want me to let you go? [ ... ] Why do you want this to be our choice?
[ isn't this more his choice?
lambda would do so much for him, but she doesn't know why he wants this. he's already hinted about how much she doesn't know.
she wants to know everything. even if she won't like it, even if it'll only cause her pain, she wants to know. please. i want to know. ]
no subject
Even if he thinks he's doing something wrong, just by telling her all of this in the first place. He takes a breath, not so much gathering strength as he is buying time.]
...I could say a lot of things. Like how I don't want you to see me like that, or that I think you deserve better than a half-fox who doesn't want to live.
[which are all true, actually, when he says the words he realizes that,]
Because the truth is that I'm going to die, and soon. I've come too far to turn back now.
[It's either my brother kills me, or I kill him and die after.]
I don't want you to stop me.
no subject
she told him she wanted to know all of him, see every part of him, and she wasn't lying then. if this is a part of him, that's what she wants. it should be enough to be with him for these few days, but she still wants more. she's learning that the more and more he tells her he should let her go, the more he keeps on reminding her how much he wants to die.
she can't stop her thoughts. what about what i want?
she told him to be selfish with her, but it's not like she's someone who just rolls over and accepts anything. she will do almost anything, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have her own wants, too. he doesn't have to love her back, but if he says he wants to be with her for these last few days, then he should be with her.
her eyes flash with a multitude of emotions. ]
You'll have to convince me that I can let go.
[ that's all she says before she pulls him down for a kiss. ]
no subject
Rang lets Lambda pull him down, presses his lips against hers, letting some of his own emotion reflect in it -- his frustration, his confusion, the knowledge that the only reason he can't keep whatever this is between them is because of him. that he wants it this way, because he doesn't know what else to want.
(because the things he wants he can't have, and isn't this yet another example?)
at some point he pulls back, even if lambda tries to keep him in place, so that he can look at her face properly]
...If that's what you want.
[for him to convince her.
he thinks he can.
if his brother could let him go, then he can't see why lambda can't.]
no subject
this isn't what she wants. it's not what she wants at all. she wants to have him. she wants to be with him. she wants to be by his side. she wants him to be happy. she wants to be able to make him happy.
she'd let him go, if only she knew he'd be happier that way, but everything he says or does makes her believe he's only running straight for misery, ands she hates it. she doesn't know how to say it succinctly, so she chooses to do something else instead.
her hand slides down his arm to grab his hand, and she pulls him into the nearest hotel room, closing the door behind them. her thoughts are clear:
what i want is you. ]
no subject
He'd looked very sure before when he was holding her hand and telling her everything he wanted, but not anymore. He feels out of place. He's no stranger to intimacy when it serves another purpose, sweet-talking and seduction and getting a human to lower their guard down long enough for him to ruin their life. But he's never let them lay their hands on him, and vice versa. Easier to grip them by the chin and make them look into his eyes -- make them believe it happened without lifting a finger.
Intimacy is an illusion. A shield. Just a way to manipulate someone.
He's not used to the idea of it being real, with someone who knows what he is, and wants him anyway.]
...I've never done this before.
[You might be disappointed.]
no subject
there haven't been many she's wanted to be intimate with in this way, not when her sadism can be satiated in other ways.
there's a reason some people view her as brutal and callous monster. ]
I don't mind. You won't disappoint me.
[ i just want you to feel something. i want to make you feel more. she wants to give him what she can.
she leads him to the bed. ]
I'm afraid I don't know how to be gentle.
[ unfortunately, she knows what she's like when she becomes excited, but she cares for him too much not to give him a warning. ]