[ somehow that grounds her a little more, and she nods, as if that makes more sense to her.
she watches him look at her dress, and she looks down at it, too. it's cute that he's thinking about looking for pajamas, but she has no idea that's what he's thinking. ]
Between the choice of me leaving you or me staying with you, what would you want more?
[at that, he looks back up at her, meeting her gaze. his own is conflicted for a moment, and there's a bit of silence as he looks at her.
...because he doesn't know if he wants to answer this question, but he also knows that he doesn't want lambda to keep questioning things, or be unsure. ...it's not like her, after all.]
...I hate it when people abandon me. [...] And I'd hate you forever if you did that too.
So I'd rather you stay. But I don't want you to lie and stay with me either.
[does this answer help? he thinks that it just reveals a twisted part of his personality to her, he looks away, moving over to the dresser to find a set of different clothes.]
[ she closes her eyes and lets those words wash over her. they're not notions she doesn't understand. she's been abandoned and thrown away enough, betrayed enough, in the memories she's still trying to sort. they line up with what she thinks she knows of rang, of the rang she wants to know the most.
she opens her eyes, and she's silent for a long moment, as she watches him move away. he can find any manner of cute and pretty and elegant clothing in a dresser. ]
Rang, come here. [ her voice becomes softer. ] Come closer.
[he'll pick something elegant for her. if nothing else, he knows his fashion, and he's used to dressing those in his care. does lambda count as someone under his care? all he knows is that he doesn't want to leave her right now, so he guesses that it does.
he moves closer, then sits on the side of bed closest to her, clothes on his lap.]
You're still ordering me around, huh? I guess that's a good sign.
[ when he sits on the bed, she scoots closer to him. she reaches out with a hand and places it on his shoulder. her fingers are weak as they press against him, not because she's injured and still healing but because she normally can't control them well, as if she's testing his realness, as if she's testing how much he's here in front of her. ]
I think it's a good sign, too. [ ... ] I don't want to abandon you, Rang, but I'm not sure what the truth is right now.
[ her other hand lifts to brush fingers against his cheek. ]
[Rang feels the slight pressure of her hand, and the brush of her fingers against his face. He tilts his head to lean into it, though his brows are still knit, stiff with a tension that he doesn't think will ever leave until Lambda is more herself again.]
I still owe you an answer to your final question.
[...]
But I won't count any of the ones you'll ask tonight. So ask freely, and I'll answer.
[redacts that rang picked up lambda's penguin parka along with the nightgown, which he'll hold out for her.]
[ what he says makes her smile. it cements her to where they are in shibuya, why they're here, what they're doing. it's a sweet offer from him, and it's a nice reminder. ]
I like how you remember. I won't hold back.
[ she shifts her fingers against his cheek to cup it as well as she can, and she uses her other hand to gently push her clothes away. she doesn't want to change right now. ]
I'm asking another question.
[ and her question is to rise to her knees, lean forward, and kiss him. ]
[Rang has a moment to blink, once, twice, before Lambda is in front of him, her hand still on her face, the other still on his shoulder, and then she's leaning in, lips pressed against his.
Lambda has done a lot of things that have surprised him -- out of everyone he's met here, she's the one who has that record. and in this moment now, it's another point in her book. ...he can understand hugging and being held, biting too. these are gestures that rang is familiar with. but i have to admit right here that rang has never kissed anyone before -- not in a serious manner anyway, not in his original form (he might have pretended to be other people and kissed), and not by someone who wasn't human (please see trickery).
He doesn't kiss back, but he doesn't pull away either. Just presses his hand under her elbow, as if to steady her, so that if she draws back, she can see the hesitant, confused look in his eyes, that might also look afraid.]
...Was that real?
[he said that lambda can ask the questions, but he can't help asking one now. he remembers the state of his emotions when he got back.
is this really lambda? or is she still caught in whatever adventure she was made to be in?]
[ when he doesn't kiss back, she pulls back a little to see his reaction. she was ready to accept anything, even if it hurt, even if it made her irrational.
the way he looks, how he may be afraid, and his question make her question herself. her brows furrow, but she keeps her eyes on him. she focuses on him and only him. ]
There was a you, who cursed me. You cursed me to be a swan, so I wouldn't leave your forest. You said— [ and it seems like she changes her mind about what she wanted to say. ] You said that it was an unfair curse because no one could vow to love me forever, and even though you cursed me so I wouldn't leave, you told me I couldn't stay.
You told me I should leave the forest anyway. You were almost proud that I did.
[ her gaze is searching, as if she's trying to find what's real, how the rang in front of her is real. ]
You told me you wouldn't curse me, here. You told me, here, you wanted me to stay, but you don't want it to be a lie.
I prefer the Rang who remembers what he owes. I don't want to abandon the Rang who's been abandoned too often. I don't mind the Rang who chose to kill me himself instead of letting someone else do it. I'd choose the Rang who would kill me quickly, so I wouldn't suffer, as someone weak and ugly and untrusting.
[ she draws her fingers away from his face, so they hover in the air but could still touch him in the next second. ]
I wished for a fox spirit to have a happier ending, but I wouldn't kiss someone who cursed me like that.
[Rang listens, anger flaring in his eyes when Lambda talks about this other 'him', that there was some version of him there just to cause lambda pain, the same way there had been a version of her. Rang isn't stupid, as much as he'd like to be for this -- he knows there's a reason why he saw her, out of everyone else he could have seen.
And maybe there was a reason too -- that she saw him. And maybe that reason is what she's saying now while right in front of him, more honesty than he expects from her -- just a deluge of words that makes his insides squirm, but not in a bad way.
not in a painful way either.]
...I meant what I said -- that I wouldn't curse you. And that I wouldn't tell you to leave or stay. I'm not the person you saw back there.
[...he doesn't know what to do when it's not painful. he doesn't know what to do with kind words from someone who's not indebted to him. how are the scales now? aren't they uneven? doesn't he owe lambda more?
he sees her fingers hovering, and he reaches for them, curling his hand around hers. what if he pays it all back right now?]
I don't like that you were there, and I don't like that it's making you question what's real. I prefer the you who always knows who you are, even if it drives me crazy. [...] I don't hate you, even though I hate so many.
[would that be evening the scales, or falling deeper in a debt?]
...The fox spirit who isn't real might have had a happy ending. ...But I won't. Not even if we all get back.
[ it's how she is trying to separate her different lives, her different memories, by focusing on what she knows of him, what she thinks of him, what she feels for him. when he was the one that had impact on her life in those pages of a book, in that world and life that felt so real, that she also thinks isn't real—
what other way can she process and sort who she is with all the certainty she usually has? she's used to having memories of multiple lives, but when she's not sure which reality is correct, she needs guidance, and for some reason or another, she's using him as a beacon.
it surprises her when he grabs her hand, and she can't help but stare for a second, can't stop her cheeks from flushing. his words make her snap her eyes to his face. ]
What do you mean by that?
[ she isn't sure how to take anything he's saying. her question is soft. ]
[...He's hinted at it before, with Rin. He's told D, after being told to live.
Telling them was hard, but he'd done it. With his usual casual air, as if it was a done deal. Without elaborating. But with Lambda... He looks at her for another beat, watching the color rise in her face. He thinks of Lambda, versions of her summoned. ...He'd never asked what it required, or what it took from her. Whether she was happy or not. Maybe asking about it would have struck too close to home to his own situation. Maybe dying and being erased had made him stop thinking entirely, too used to the idea of not having a future at all.]
You mentioned a curse. I have one of my own.
[he takes one of her fingers, and then traces the space around his middle finger with it, as if tracing the absence of a ring that should be there.]
I'm bound by a contract. It's why I hate it every time someone tried to help me or save me here -- because I was saved six hundred years ago, and I'm still in his debt. Anything he orders me to do, I'll die if I disobey.
[he looks at the paleness of her hand in contrast to his, voice sounding remote and far off to his ears. he doesn't know what to do with lambda's feelings, other than to think that they've gone to waste on him,]
But even without that contract... I've only lived this long because of my brother. I want him to kill me, so I can finally die.
[ she looks down when she notices the movement because in order to feel any sensation on her hands, the pressure has to be too much. she understands now why he's the one who comes through so much with his deals. that's a horrible contract to under even if it saved him his life. it reminds her how she can't disobey or go against certain people either and how much she resents them, how many times she's been thrown away for trying to disobey, how many times she's lost what's most precious to her or all her (cheating) hard work....
what he says doesn't break her heart, but it does cut into her, in the way certain despair does, in hearing how someone you care about wants to leave you and die. she thinks about how he said he hates it when people abandon him, how he wants people to stay, but here he is, planning and wanting to abandon everyone.
it hurts, and it causes an ache, a sharp pang, and she has to shut her eyes for a moment. it does nothing to stop what she feels. his words can't stop the deluge of her feelings. she feels like she could cry, but she won't. when she opens her eyes, there's only heartache, but there is a sense of determination. ]
.... I've always read your behavior as self-destructive. This is a logical extension. [ her voice is a bit clinical, as if being matter-of-fact can help. it's not. her voice is too quiet to be confident. this is at least taking her out of the multiple memories she has to shuffle through, nailing her to this reality where rang just wants to die. ]
I want you to, but I won't ask you to stay because I don't want you to lie to stay with me.
[ she parrots his words back to him because it's true. she wants him to stay, but this won't be first or last time she's has to grapple with someone she cares deeply about dying on her. ]
I know you said any of the questions I ask tonight don't have to count, but this next one can count, if you want. I don't want to tie you to me the way your brother or whoever it was did.
[ that's not quite the truth. she's as possessive and jealous at her core as she is devoted and serving. ]
How do you feel when you're with me? If only in the time we have left here, what do you want to do? [ even more softly, with her most genuine sincerity: ] You can be selfish with me.
[ she is granting him permission, giving him that honor, if only he's willing to take it. ]
[Rang watches Lambda closely. He hasn't stopped looking since he saw her return from wherever she went to. As if looking at her can show him all the answers he wants to know. She closes her eyes, and he wonders if the feelings she mentioned are already hurting her, as if her affection has a consequence. Like all affection does, and feelings. The consequence of knowing pain.
So he doesn't understand why she says what she does, why she looks at him and tries again. Hasn't he already failed her? Don't people who care for another want to stay with each other? Why give him another chance? She wants him to stay but she won't lie to keep him. She has one final question, and she's willing to use it on this.
The one who loves more always loses.
...And he knows that he doesn't want her to lose.
He'll take this as her final question then. He needs the excuse to be honest, even if every word he says feels doomed, foolish. Like he's a child struggling to put the feeling into words. Because he really is still that child, left in that forest, never growing beyond that singular point in time.]
I care whenever I'm with you. Things like eating or talking or just living -- I feel nothing whenever I do those things. But I like talking to you. You irritate me and surprise me. You make me feel.
[. . .]
I don't know if what I feel is love or affection. It's not the same feeling I had in the past, for my brother or friend. [it's something different entirely, and that's terrifying.] But if we're going to be erased at the end, if this is all we have... then I know that I want to spend that time with you.
[maybe in that interval, he can figure it out.
he's not sure he wants to, still. the fear is still so ingrained in him. but he forces the words out anyway, as if they hurt to say]
when meltryllis loves, she knows she will be the one who loves more. she is someone who is born to love, not be loved. all she wants is to love; she's never wanted or needed to be loved in return. her affection, no matter how it's executed and no matter how unhinged it turns, is pure and unclouded at its core, as clear as an untouched lake.
rang is unlike anyone meltryllis has loved in any of her other lives, people who were so straightforward with their care and convictions that she couldn't help but fall. she doesn't know if it's love yet, but she knows all her affection leans towards him, this fox that hurts and hates so much, this man who is stuck in his past and refuses to move forward.
even if he turned her away, she'd still pour all her affection on him, as selfish and self-serving as she is.
it's not as if her love has ever been returned before. ten days was enough for her last time, and all they have left now is two weeks.
it'll be enough, and if he wants to die so much.... there's a thought that creeps in the back of her mind that she keeps down. it's not time yet. ]
I'd be offended if you felt the same towards me as you did your brother. [ lambda says that so casually, but contentment overflows in her heart. where he's afraid, she isn't. what she's afraid of is something else. ]
All you have to do is accept my care and affection. [ her lips curve into a smile that's both radiant and dangerous. ] If you want to spend this time we have left together with me, there's no going back. You can't take it back, okay?
[ he may be afraid by what she's offering or what she's invoking, but she'll take advantage of it all she can. if he cares with her.... if he feels with her.... that's more than enough.
if it hurts him, if it scares him, she can't help but love it, love him. ]
[Rang's not sure why his answer is eliciting this reaction from her, when it's not the kind of confirmation that shows up in stories or human lives or movies about romance. He has no idea if this is romance or not???? Is it romance???? Romance is such a far off concept to him -- something that is entirely human -- or something painful, like for his brother. Lambda seems pleased, content in a way that's very different from how she looked before. Did his words mean that much to her?
The good thing is that his confusion means he takes a step back from feeling so lost and despondent, amusement sliding into the space it leaves behind as he hears her request? Command?]
Didn't you kiss me already?
[but he knows what she means -- that the gesture will cement this... deal? bond? meltryllis mentions care and affection, and he wonders in what form either will be in. kissing is something strange, a very human gesture to him, he might have kissed buzen before when love cursed but that had been an act of possession, of claiming what was his.
is that how he's supposed to feel with lambda? should he want to have her too?]
...I don't know if you're making the right decision. [if lambda really likes him, and for those reasons. she doesn't know the rest of him yet, the worst parts of him] But I'll kiss you. You said I can't take it back, but you're welcome to.
[it's not romantic at all, but it feels like familiar territory with lambda. setting up a deal, outlining the conditions.
he leans in and presses his lips against hers, soft and brief. chaste in a way someone who clearly does not do a lot of kissing is,]
[ she is neither human nor a story or a myth or a legend. she is a complex of things that are terrible. romance to her doesn't have one shape, as amorphous as the water as she is in all ways. love is something close to her even if it took her a while to realize what love was and how to love. there may have been a reason she phrased it like a deal to him. she thought it'd be something he could understand more and it'd make him more comfortable.
whether it's romantic or not, he's still accepting something from her. whether he knows what's happening or not, it doesn't matter. he's already agreeing it's too late. she kisses him back, as soft and brief, to let him take it as careful as he wants this first time.
even if she doesn't know the worst parts of him, he doesn't know the worst parts of her either. she pulls back only enough to say: ]
I'm glad you're worried for me, but you should worry a little about yourself, too. How do you know if you're making the right decision? Hm?
[ it's too late to be wrong. she leans in to kiss him again and then pushes him to fall back onto the bed. ]
Rang falls when he's pushed, though he tries propping himself up with his elbows with a raised eyebrow, one hand reaching for the clothes that she pushed aside earlier.]
[ It's a decision she wasn't expecting him to make but the one she wanted him to.
She stops halfway from straddling him when he holds up her clothes like a shield. She stares at him for a long moment before she slides off the bed, turns her back to him, and scoops her hair over her shoulder.
She glances back at him with an expectant expression.
She can't get changed if she can't get undressed. ]
Rang sits up as Lambda slides off the bed, moving to the side of the bed so he can get up and presumably leave so she can change, and then pauses, gaze meeting hers as she looks over her shoulder back at him. A glimmer of exasperated amusement runs through him as he approaches, carefully touching the small of her back so he can look at the back of her dress,
i was going to assign zipper but she was in a fairy tale is this a traditional dress]
You keep making requests of me. Luckily for you, I won't count this either.
[Rang is no stranger to undressing people, actually? He's had to help teach Yuri how to put on clothes, back when she had to get used to her human form. The laces are admittedly new, but they're not impossible to figure out.]
Present you with the bill, of course.
[He tugs on them as he goes, loosening them from the bottom to the top, letting the beat of silence hover over him before he responds again,]
[Rang hadn't wanted company when he got back, but he hadn't wanted to be alone either, so he understands the request. He's a little worried about whatever effects she might still have, other than having trouble deciding what's real or not... But if she needs him, then she'll say.
She already has for everything else.]
I will.
[he lets his hands fall back to his sides, tucking one casually in his pocket]
[ lambda usually wants to be left alone for most things, but with the way her memories are cycling, she needs something to focus on, and she wants him to be the focus.
with his agreement, she lets her dress drop right there and then. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
she watches him look at her dress, and she looks down at it, too. it's cute that he's thinking about looking for pajamas, but she has no idea that's what he's thinking. ]
Between the choice of me leaving you or me staying with you, what would you want more?
no subject
...because he doesn't know if he wants to answer this question, but he also knows that he doesn't want lambda to keep questioning things, or be unsure. ...it's not like her, after all.]
...I hate it when people abandon me. [...] And I'd hate you forever if you did that too.
So I'd rather you stay. But I don't want you to lie and stay with me either.
[does this answer help? he thinks that it just reveals a twisted part of his personality to her, he looks away, moving over to the dresser to find a set of different clothes.]
no subject
she opens her eyes, and she's silent for a long moment, as she watches him move away. he can find any manner of cute and pretty and elegant clothing in a dresser. ]
Rang, come here. [ her voice becomes softer. ] Come closer.
no subject
he moves closer, then sits on the side of bed closest to her, clothes on his lap.]
You're still ordering me around, huh? I guess that's a good sign.
no subject
I think it's a good sign, too. [ ... ] I don't want to abandon you, Rang, but I'm not sure what the truth is right now.
[ her other hand lifts to brush fingers against his cheek. ]
Help me?
no subject
I still owe you an answer to your final question.
[...]
But I won't count any of the ones you'll ask tonight. So ask freely, and I'll answer.
[redacts that rang picked up lambda's penguin parka along with the nightgown, which he'll hold out for her.]
You should change first.
no subject
I like how you remember. I won't hold back.
[ she shifts her fingers against his cheek to cup it as well as she can, and she uses her other hand to gently push her clothes away. she doesn't want to change right now. ]
I'm asking another question.
[ and her question is to rise to her knees, lean forward, and kiss him. ]
no subject
Lambda has done a lot of things that have surprised him -- out of everyone he's met here, she's the one who has that record. and in this moment now, it's another point in her book. ...he can understand hugging and being held, biting too. these are gestures that rang is familiar with. but i have to admit right here that rang has never kissed anyone before -- not in a serious manner anyway, not in his original form (he might have pretended to be other people and kissed), and not by someone who wasn't human (please see trickery).
He doesn't kiss back, but he doesn't pull away either. Just presses his hand under her elbow, as if to steady her, so that if she draws back, she can see the hesitant, confused look in his eyes, that might also look afraid.]
...Was that real?
[he said that lambda can ask the questions, but he can't help asking one now. he remembers the state of his emotions when he got back.
is this really lambda? or is she still caught in whatever adventure she was made to be in?]
no subject
the way he looks, how he may be afraid, and his question make her question herself. her brows furrow, but she keeps her eyes on him. she focuses on him and only him. ]
There was a you, who cursed me. You cursed me to be a swan, so I wouldn't leave your forest. You said— [ and it seems like she changes her mind about what she wanted to say. ] You said that it was an unfair curse because no one could vow to love me forever, and even though you cursed me so I wouldn't leave, you told me I couldn't stay.
You told me I should leave the forest anyway. You were almost proud that I did.
[ her gaze is searching, as if she's trying to find what's real, how the rang in front of her is real. ]
You told me you wouldn't curse me, here. You told me, here, you wanted me to stay, but you don't want it to be a lie.
I prefer the Rang who remembers what he owes. I don't want to abandon the Rang who's been abandoned too often. I don't mind the Rang who chose to kill me himself instead of letting someone else do it. I'd choose the Rang who would kill me quickly, so I wouldn't suffer, as someone weak and ugly and untrusting.
[ she draws her fingers away from his face, so they hover in the air but could still touch him in the next second. ]
I wished for a fox spirit to have a happier ending, but I wouldn't kiss someone who cursed me like that.
[ she's trying to make sure he's real. ]
no subject
And maybe there was a reason too -- that she saw him. And maybe that reason is what she's saying now while right in front of him, more honesty than he expects from her -- just a deluge of words that makes his insides squirm, but not in a bad way.
not in a painful way either.]
...I meant what I said -- that I wouldn't curse you. And that I wouldn't tell you to leave or stay. I'm not the person you saw back there.
[...he doesn't know what to do when it's not painful. he doesn't know what to do with kind words from someone who's not indebted to him. how are the scales now? aren't they uneven? doesn't he owe lambda more?
he sees her fingers hovering, and he reaches for them, curling his hand around hers. what if he pays it all back right now?]
I don't like that you were there, and I don't like that it's making you question what's real. I prefer the you who always knows who you are, even if it drives me crazy. [...] I don't hate you, even though I hate so many.
[would that be evening the scales, or falling deeper in a debt?]
...The fox spirit who isn't real might have had a happy ending. ...But I won't. Not even if we all get back.
no subject
what other way can she process and sort who she is with all the certainty she usually has? she's used to having memories of multiple lives, but when she's not sure which reality is correct, she needs guidance, and for some reason or another, she's using him as a beacon.
it surprises her when he grabs her hand, and she can't help but stare for a second, can't stop her cheeks from flushing. his words make her snap her eyes to his face. ]
What do you mean by that?
[ she isn't sure how to take anything he's saying. her question is soft. ]
What kind of ending awaits you, Rang?
no subject
Telling them was hard, but he'd done it. With his usual casual air, as if it was a done deal. Without elaborating. But with Lambda... He looks at her for another beat, watching the color rise in her face. He thinks of Lambda, versions of her summoned. ...He'd never asked what it required, or what it took from her. Whether she was happy or not. Maybe asking about it would have struck too close to home to his own situation. Maybe dying and being erased had made him stop thinking entirely, too used to the idea of not having a future at all.]
You mentioned a curse. I have one of my own.
[he takes one of her fingers, and then traces the space around his middle finger with it, as if tracing the absence of a ring that should be there.]
I'm bound by a contract. It's why I hate it every time someone tried to help me or save me here -- because I was saved six hundred years ago, and I'm still in his debt. Anything he orders me to do, I'll die if I disobey.
[he looks at the paleness of her hand in contrast to his, voice sounding remote and far off to his ears. he doesn't know what to do with lambda's feelings, other than to think that they've gone to waste on him,]
But even without that contract... I've only lived this long because of my brother. I want him to kill me, so I can finally die.
no subject
what he says doesn't break her heart, but it does cut into her, in the way certain despair does, in hearing how someone you care about wants to leave you and die. she thinks about how he said he hates it when people abandon him, how he wants people to stay, but here he is, planning and wanting to abandon everyone.
it hurts, and it causes an ache, a sharp pang, and she has to shut her eyes for a moment. it does nothing to stop what she feels. his words can't stop the deluge of her feelings. she feels like she could cry, but she won't. when she opens her eyes, there's only heartache, but there is a sense of determination. ]
.... I've always read your behavior as self-destructive. This is a logical extension. [ her voice is a bit clinical, as if being matter-of-fact can help. it's not. her voice is too quiet to be confident. this is at least taking her out of the multiple memories she has to shuffle through, nailing her to this reality where rang just wants to die. ]
I want you to, but I won't ask you to stay because I don't want you to lie to stay with me.
[ she parrots his words back to him because it's true. she wants him to stay, but this won't be first or last time she's has to grapple with someone she cares deeply about dying on her. ]
I know you said any of the questions I ask tonight don't have to count, but this next one can count, if you want. I don't want to tie you to me the way your brother or whoever it was did.
[ that's not quite the truth. she's as possessive and jealous at her core as she is devoted and serving. ]
How do you feel when you're with me? If only in the time we have left here, what do you want to do? [ even more softly, with her most genuine sincerity: ] You can be selfish with me.
[ she is granting him permission, giving him that honor, if only he's willing to take it. ]
no subject
So he doesn't understand why she says what she does, why she looks at him and tries again. Hasn't he already failed her? Don't people who care for another want to stay with each other? Why give him another chance? She wants him to stay but she won't lie to keep him. She has one final question, and she's willing to use it on this.
The one who loves more always loses.
...And he knows that he doesn't want her to lose.
He'll take this as her final question then. He needs the excuse to be honest, even if every word he says feels doomed, foolish. Like he's a child struggling to put the feeling into words. Because he really is still that child, left in that forest, never growing beyond that singular point in time.]
I care whenever I'm with you. Things like eating or talking or just living -- I feel nothing whenever I do those things. But I like talking to you. You irritate me and surprise me. You make me feel.
[. . .]
I don't know if what I feel is love or affection. It's not the same feeling I had in the past, for my brother or friend. [it's something different entirely, and that's terrifying.] But if we're going to be erased at the end, if this is all we have... then I know that I want to spend that time with you.
[maybe in that interval, he can figure it out.
he's not sure he wants to, still. the fear is still so ingrained in him. but he forces the words out anyway, as if they hurt to say]
no subject
when meltryllis loves, she knows she will be the one who loves more. she is someone who is born to love, not be loved. all she wants is to love; she's never wanted or needed to be loved in return. her affection, no matter how it's executed and no matter how unhinged it turns, is pure and unclouded at its core, as clear as an untouched lake.
rang is unlike anyone meltryllis has loved in any of her other lives, people who were so straightforward with their care and convictions that she couldn't help but fall. she doesn't know if it's love yet, but she knows all her affection leans towards him, this fox that hurts and hates so much, this man who is stuck in his past and refuses to move forward.
even if he turned her away, she'd still pour all her affection on him, as selfish and self-serving as she is.
it's not as if her love has ever been returned before. ten days was enough for her last time, and all they have left now is two weeks.
it'll be enough, and if he wants to die so much.... there's a thought that creeps in the back of her mind that she keeps down. it's not time yet. ]
I'd be offended if you felt the same towards me as you did your brother. [ lambda says that so casually, but contentment overflows in her heart. where he's afraid, she isn't. what she's afraid of is something else. ]
All you have to do is accept my care and affection. [ her lips curve into a smile that's both radiant and dangerous. ] If you want to spend this time we have left together with me, there's no going back. You can't take it back, okay?
[ he may be afraid by what she's offering or what she's invoking, but she'll take advantage of it all she can. if he cares with her.... if he feels with her.... that's more than enough.
if it hurts him, if it scares him, she can't help but love it, love him. ]
If you agree, kiss me.
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The good thing is that his confusion means he takes a step back from feeling so lost and despondent, amusement sliding into the space it leaves behind as he hears her request? Command?]
Didn't you kiss me already?
[but he knows what she means -- that the gesture will cement this... deal? bond? meltryllis mentions care and affection, and he wonders in what form either will be in. kissing is something strange, a very human gesture to him, he might have kissed buzen before when love cursed but that had been an act of possession, of claiming what was his.
is that how he's supposed to feel with lambda? should he want to have her too?]
...I don't know if you're making the right decision. [if lambda really likes him, and for those reasons. she doesn't know the rest of him yet, the worst parts of him] But I'll kiss you. You said I can't take it back, but you're welcome to.
[it's not romantic at all, but it feels like familiar territory with lambda. setting up a deal, outlining the conditions.
he leans in and presses his lips against hers, soft and brief. chaste in a way someone who clearly does not do a lot of kissing is,]
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whether it's romantic or not, he's still accepting something from her. whether he knows what's happening or not, it doesn't matter. he's already agreeing it's too late. she kisses him back, as soft and brief, to let him take it as careful as he wants this first time.
even if she doesn't know the worst parts of him, he doesn't know the worst parts of her either. she pulls back only enough to say: ]
I'm glad you're worried for me, but you should worry a little about yourself, too. How do you know if you're making the right decision? Hm?
[ it's too late to be wrong. she leans in to kiss him again and then pushes him to fall back onto the bed. ]
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Rang falls when he's pushed, though he tries propping himself up with his elbows with a raised eyebrow, one hand reaching for the clothes that she pushed aside earlier.]
I didn't say I was? Just that I was making it.
[he holds up the clothes like it's a shield?]
Are going to change or not?
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She stops halfway from straddling him when he holds up her clothes like a shield. She stares at him for a long moment before she slides off the bed, turns her back to him, and scoops her hair over her shoulder.
She glances back at him with an expectant expression.
She can't get changed if she can't get undressed. ]
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Rang sits up as Lambda slides off the bed, moving to the side of the bed so he can get up and presumably leave so she can change, and then pauses, gaze meeting hers as she looks over her shoulder back at him. A glimmer of exasperated amusement runs through him as he approaches, carefully touching the small of her back so he can look at the back of her dress,
i was going to assign zipper but she was in a fairy tale is this a traditional dress]
You keep making requests of me. Luckily for you, I won't count this either.
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her smile is unapologetic, and she reaches up to touch his cheek briefly when he's at her back. ]
And what are you going to do when you start counting them? I'd like to hear it.
[ a pause before she adds more softly: ]
I do have another request, after this.
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Present you with the bill, of course.
[He tugs on them as he goes, loosening them from the bottom to the top, letting the beat of silence hover over him before he responds again,]
I'm listening.
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he's long-lived enough that she didn't think he'd have too much trouble. ]
What would you charge me?
[ her tone is light and teasing.
when he gets the dress loosened enough, she holds the top and turns around and faces him. ]
After everyone has come to ask me what happened or whatever else, come back and stay with me a while?
[ lambda doesn't need to sleep, but she is tired enough to rest, and she doesn't want to rest alone tonight. ]
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She already has for everything else.]
I will.
[he lets his hands fall back to his sides, tucking one casually in his pocket]
I'll let you get changed.
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with his agreement, she lets her dress drop right there and then. ]
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