[ she looks down when she notices the movement because in order to feel any sensation on her hands, the pressure has to be too much. she understands now why he's the one who comes through so much with his deals. that's a horrible contract to under even if it saved him his life. it reminds her how she can't disobey or go against certain people either and how much she resents them, how many times she's been thrown away for trying to disobey, how many times she's lost what's most precious to her or all her (cheating) hard work....
what he says doesn't break her heart, but it does cut into her, in the way certain despair does, in hearing how someone you care about wants to leave you and die. she thinks about how he said he hates it when people abandon him, how he wants people to stay, but here he is, planning and wanting to abandon everyone.
it hurts, and it causes an ache, a sharp pang, and she has to shut her eyes for a moment. it does nothing to stop what she feels. his words can't stop the deluge of her feelings. she feels like she could cry, but she won't. when she opens her eyes, there's only heartache, but there is a sense of determination. ]
.... I've always read your behavior as self-destructive. This is a logical extension. [ her voice is a bit clinical, as if being matter-of-fact can help. it's not. her voice is too quiet to be confident. this is at least taking her out of the multiple memories she has to shuffle through, nailing her to this reality where rang just wants to die. ]
I want you to, but I won't ask you to stay because I don't want you to lie to stay with me.
[ she parrots his words back to him because it's true. she wants him to stay, but this won't be first or last time she's has to grapple with someone she cares deeply about dying on her. ]
I know you said any of the questions I ask tonight don't have to count, but this next one can count, if you want. I don't want to tie you to me the way your brother or whoever it was did.
[ that's not quite the truth. she's as possessive and jealous at her core as she is devoted and serving. ]
How do you feel when you're with me? If only in the time we have left here, what do you want to do? [ even more softly, with her most genuine sincerity: ] You can be selfish with me.
[ she is granting him permission, giving him that honor, if only he's willing to take it. ]
[Rang watches Lambda closely. He hasn't stopped looking since he saw her return from wherever she went to. As if looking at her can show him all the answers he wants to know. She closes her eyes, and he wonders if the feelings she mentioned are already hurting her, as if her affection has a consequence. Like all affection does, and feelings. The consequence of knowing pain.
So he doesn't understand why she says what she does, why she looks at him and tries again. Hasn't he already failed her? Don't people who care for another want to stay with each other? Why give him another chance? She wants him to stay but she won't lie to keep him. She has one final question, and she's willing to use it on this.
The one who loves more always loses.
...And he knows that he doesn't want her to lose.
He'll take this as her final question then. He needs the excuse to be honest, even if every word he says feels doomed, foolish. Like he's a child struggling to put the feeling into words. Because he really is still that child, left in that forest, never growing beyond that singular point in time.]
I care whenever I'm with you. Things like eating or talking or just living -- I feel nothing whenever I do those things. But I like talking to you. You irritate me and surprise me. You make me feel.
[. . .]
I don't know if what I feel is love or affection. It's not the same feeling I had in the past, for my brother or friend. [it's something different entirely, and that's terrifying.] But if we're going to be erased at the end, if this is all we have... then I know that I want to spend that time with you.
[maybe in that interval, he can figure it out.
he's not sure he wants to, still. the fear is still so ingrained in him. but he forces the words out anyway, as if they hurt to say]
when meltryllis loves, she knows she will be the one who loves more. she is someone who is born to love, not be loved. all she wants is to love; she's never wanted or needed to be loved in return. her affection, no matter how it's executed and no matter how unhinged it turns, is pure and unclouded at its core, as clear as an untouched lake.
rang is unlike anyone meltryllis has loved in any of her other lives, people who were so straightforward with their care and convictions that she couldn't help but fall. she doesn't know if it's love yet, but she knows all her affection leans towards him, this fox that hurts and hates so much, this man who is stuck in his past and refuses to move forward.
even if he turned her away, she'd still pour all her affection on him, as selfish and self-serving as she is.
it's not as if her love has ever been returned before. ten days was enough for her last time, and all they have left now is two weeks.
it'll be enough, and if he wants to die so much.... there's a thought that creeps in the back of her mind that she keeps down. it's not time yet. ]
I'd be offended if you felt the same towards me as you did your brother. [ lambda says that so casually, but contentment overflows in her heart. where he's afraid, she isn't. what she's afraid of is something else. ]
All you have to do is accept my care and affection. [ her lips curve into a smile that's both radiant and dangerous. ] If you want to spend this time we have left together with me, there's no going back. You can't take it back, okay?
[ he may be afraid by what she's offering or what she's invoking, but she'll take advantage of it all she can. if he cares with her.... if he feels with her.... that's more than enough.
if it hurts him, if it scares him, she can't help but love it, love him. ]
[Rang's not sure why his answer is eliciting this reaction from her, when it's not the kind of confirmation that shows up in stories or human lives or movies about romance. He has no idea if this is romance or not???? Is it romance???? Romance is such a far off concept to him -- something that is entirely human -- or something painful, like for his brother. Lambda seems pleased, content in a way that's very different from how she looked before. Did his words mean that much to her?
The good thing is that his confusion means he takes a step back from feeling so lost and despondent, amusement sliding into the space it leaves behind as he hears her request? Command?]
Didn't you kiss me already?
[but he knows what she means -- that the gesture will cement this... deal? bond? meltryllis mentions care and affection, and he wonders in what form either will be in. kissing is something strange, a very human gesture to him, he might have kissed buzen before when love cursed but that had been an act of possession, of claiming what was his.
is that how he's supposed to feel with lambda? should he want to have her too?]
...I don't know if you're making the right decision. [if lambda really likes him, and for those reasons. she doesn't know the rest of him yet, the worst parts of him] But I'll kiss you. You said I can't take it back, but you're welcome to.
[it's not romantic at all, but it feels like familiar territory with lambda. setting up a deal, outlining the conditions.
he leans in and presses his lips against hers, soft and brief. chaste in a way someone who clearly does not do a lot of kissing is,]
[ she is neither human nor a story or a myth or a legend. she is a complex of things that are terrible. romance to her doesn't have one shape, as amorphous as the water as she is in all ways. love is something close to her even if it took her a while to realize what love was and how to love. there may have been a reason she phrased it like a deal to him. she thought it'd be something he could understand more and it'd make him more comfortable.
whether it's romantic or not, he's still accepting something from her. whether he knows what's happening or not, it doesn't matter. he's already agreeing it's too late. she kisses him back, as soft and brief, to let him take it as careful as he wants this first time.
even if she doesn't know the worst parts of him, he doesn't know the worst parts of her either. she pulls back only enough to say: ]
I'm glad you're worried for me, but you should worry a little about yourself, too. How do you know if you're making the right decision? Hm?
[ it's too late to be wrong. she leans in to kiss him again and then pushes him to fall back onto the bed. ]
Rang falls when he's pushed, though he tries propping himself up with his elbows with a raised eyebrow, one hand reaching for the clothes that she pushed aside earlier.]
[ It's a decision she wasn't expecting him to make but the one she wanted him to.
She stops halfway from straddling him when he holds up her clothes like a shield. She stares at him for a long moment before she slides off the bed, turns her back to him, and scoops her hair over her shoulder.
She glances back at him with an expectant expression.
She can't get changed if she can't get undressed. ]
Rang sits up as Lambda slides off the bed, moving to the side of the bed so he can get up and presumably leave so she can change, and then pauses, gaze meeting hers as she looks over her shoulder back at him. A glimmer of exasperated amusement runs through him as he approaches, carefully touching the small of her back so he can look at the back of her dress,
i was going to assign zipper but she was in a fairy tale is this a traditional dress]
You keep making requests of me. Luckily for you, I won't count this either.
[Rang is no stranger to undressing people, actually? He's had to help teach Yuri how to put on clothes, back when she had to get used to her human form. The laces are admittedly new, but they're not impossible to figure out.]
Present you with the bill, of course.
[He tugs on them as he goes, loosening them from the bottom to the top, letting the beat of silence hover over him before he responds again,]
[Rang hadn't wanted company when he got back, but he hadn't wanted to be alone either, so he understands the request. He's a little worried about whatever effects she might still have, other than having trouble deciding what's real or not... But if she needs him, then she'll say.
She already has for everything else.]
I will.
[he lets his hands fall back to his sides, tucking one casually in his pocket]
[ lambda usually wants to be left alone for most things, but with the way her memories are cycling, she needs something to focus on, and she wants him to be the focus.
with his agreement, she lets her dress drop right there and then. ]
[Rang like unfortunately I expected this because it would be in line of the other extremely surprising things Lambda has done tonight, but still? I defy everyone's rang bottom headcanons in that he doesn't blush, he looks upward at the ceiling instead for a moment,]
[he's complaining, but he doesn't sound bothered by it. But if Lambda's already finished changing, then he'll lean on the doorway before he has to go,]
Were you trying to see what kind of reaction I'd have?
[the way this should be so dangerous to rang but he's just curious to see if it's really true. he looks at lambda a beat longer, then straightens from where he's leaning.]
I'll let everyone else who cares for you have their turn.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
what he says doesn't break her heart, but it does cut into her, in the way certain despair does, in hearing how someone you care about wants to leave you and die. she thinks about how he said he hates it when people abandon him, how he wants people to stay, but here he is, planning and wanting to abandon everyone.
it hurts, and it causes an ache, a sharp pang, and she has to shut her eyes for a moment. it does nothing to stop what she feels. his words can't stop the deluge of her feelings. she feels like she could cry, but she won't. when she opens her eyes, there's only heartache, but there is a sense of determination. ]
.... I've always read your behavior as self-destructive. This is a logical extension. [ her voice is a bit clinical, as if being matter-of-fact can help. it's not. her voice is too quiet to be confident. this is at least taking her out of the multiple memories she has to shuffle through, nailing her to this reality where rang just wants to die. ]
I want you to, but I won't ask you to stay because I don't want you to lie to stay with me.
[ she parrots his words back to him because it's true. she wants him to stay, but this won't be first or last time she's has to grapple with someone she cares deeply about dying on her. ]
I know you said any of the questions I ask tonight don't have to count, but this next one can count, if you want. I don't want to tie you to me the way your brother or whoever it was did.
[ that's not quite the truth. she's as possessive and jealous at her core as she is devoted and serving. ]
How do you feel when you're with me? If only in the time we have left here, what do you want to do? [ even more softly, with her most genuine sincerity: ] You can be selfish with me.
[ she is granting him permission, giving him that honor, if only he's willing to take it. ]
no subject
So he doesn't understand why she says what she does, why she looks at him and tries again. Hasn't he already failed her? Don't people who care for another want to stay with each other? Why give him another chance? She wants him to stay but she won't lie to keep him. She has one final question, and she's willing to use it on this.
The one who loves more always loses.
...And he knows that he doesn't want her to lose.
He'll take this as her final question then. He needs the excuse to be honest, even if every word he says feels doomed, foolish. Like he's a child struggling to put the feeling into words. Because he really is still that child, left in that forest, never growing beyond that singular point in time.]
I care whenever I'm with you. Things like eating or talking or just living -- I feel nothing whenever I do those things. But I like talking to you. You irritate me and surprise me. You make me feel.
[. . .]
I don't know if what I feel is love or affection. It's not the same feeling I had in the past, for my brother or friend. [it's something different entirely, and that's terrifying.] But if we're going to be erased at the end, if this is all we have... then I know that I want to spend that time with you.
[maybe in that interval, he can figure it out.
he's not sure he wants to, still. the fear is still so ingrained in him. but he forces the words out anyway, as if they hurt to say]
no subject
when meltryllis loves, she knows she will be the one who loves more. she is someone who is born to love, not be loved. all she wants is to love; she's never wanted or needed to be loved in return. her affection, no matter how it's executed and no matter how unhinged it turns, is pure and unclouded at its core, as clear as an untouched lake.
rang is unlike anyone meltryllis has loved in any of her other lives, people who were so straightforward with their care and convictions that she couldn't help but fall. she doesn't know if it's love yet, but she knows all her affection leans towards him, this fox that hurts and hates so much, this man who is stuck in his past and refuses to move forward.
even if he turned her away, she'd still pour all her affection on him, as selfish and self-serving as she is.
it's not as if her love has ever been returned before. ten days was enough for her last time, and all they have left now is two weeks.
it'll be enough, and if he wants to die so much.... there's a thought that creeps in the back of her mind that she keeps down. it's not time yet. ]
I'd be offended if you felt the same towards me as you did your brother. [ lambda says that so casually, but contentment overflows in her heart. where he's afraid, she isn't. what she's afraid of is something else. ]
All you have to do is accept my care and affection. [ her lips curve into a smile that's both radiant and dangerous. ] If you want to spend this time we have left together with me, there's no going back. You can't take it back, okay?
[ he may be afraid by what she's offering or what she's invoking, but she'll take advantage of it all she can. if he cares with her.... if he feels with her.... that's more than enough.
if it hurts him, if it scares him, she can't help but love it, love him. ]
If you agree, kiss me.
no subject
The good thing is that his confusion means he takes a step back from feeling so lost and despondent, amusement sliding into the space it leaves behind as he hears her request? Command?]
Didn't you kiss me already?
[but he knows what she means -- that the gesture will cement this... deal? bond? meltryllis mentions care and affection, and he wonders in what form either will be in. kissing is something strange, a very human gesture to him, he might have kissed buzen before when love cursed but that had been an act of possession, of claiming what was his.
is that how he's supposed to feel with lambda? should he want to have her too?]
...I don't know if you're making the right decision. [if lambda really likes him, and for those reasons. she doesn't know the rest of him yet, the worst parts of him] But I'll kiss you. You said I can't take it back, but you're welcome to.
[it's not romantic at all, but it feels like familiar territory with lambda. setting up a deal, outlining the conditions.
he leans in and presses his lips against hers, soft and brief. chaste in a way someone who clearly does not do a lot of kissing is,]
no subject
whether it's romantic or not, he's still accepting something from her. whether he knows what's happening or not, it doesn't matter. he's already agreeing it's too late. she kisses him back, as soft and brief, to let him take it as careful as he wants this first time.
even if she doesn't know the worst parts of him, he doesn't know the worst parts of her either. she pulls back only enough to say: ]
I'm glad you're worried for me, but you should worry a little about yourself, too. How do you know if you're making the right decision? Hm?
[ it's too late to be wrong. she leans in to kiss him again and then pushes him to fall back onto the bed. ]
no subject
Rang falls when he's pushed, though he tries propping himself up with his elbows with a raised eyebrow, one hand reaching for the clothes that she pushed aside earlier.]
I didn't say I was? Just that I was making it.
[he holds up the clothes like it's a shield?]
Are going to change or not?
no subject
She stops halfway from straddling him when he holds up her clothes like a shield. She stares at him for a long moment before she slides off the bed, turns her back to him, and scoops her hair over her shoulder.
She glances back at him with an expectant expression.
She can't get changed if she can't get undressed. ]
no subject
Rang sits up as Lambda slides off the bed, moving to the side of the bed so he can get up and presumably leave so she can change, and then pauses, gaze meeting hers as she looks over her shoulder back at him. A glimmer of exasperated amusement runs through him as he approaches, carefully touching the small of her back so he can look at the back of her dress,
i was going to assign zipper but she was in a fairy tale is this a traditional dress]
You keep making requests of me. Luckily for you, I won't count this either.
no subject
her smile is unapologetic, and she reaches up to touch his cheek briefly when he's at her back. ]
And what are you going to do when you start counting them? I'd like to hear it.
[ a pause before she adds more softly: ]
I do have another request, after this.
no subject
Present you with the bill, of course.
[He tugs on them as he goes, loosening them from the bottom to the top, letting the beat of silence hover over him before he responds again,]
I'm listening.
no subject
he's long-lived enough that she didn't think he'd have too much trouble. ]
What would you charge me?
[ her tone is light and teasing.
when he gets the dress loosened enough, she holds the top and turns around and faces him. ]
After everyone has come to ask me what happened or whatever else, come back and stay with me a while?
[ lambda doesn't need to sleep, but she is tired enough to rest, and she doesn't want to rest alone tonight. ]
no subject
She already has for everything else.]
I will.
[he lets his hands fall back to his sides, tucking one casually in his pocket]
I'll let you get changed.
no subject
with his agreement, she lets her dress drop right there and then. ]
1/2
no subject
I meant after I left.
no subject
[ she doesn't linger or wait, at least. she changes into the clothes he picked out. ]
Is that so bad?
[ she did as he asked. ]
no subject
[he's complaining, but he doesn't sound bothered by it. But if Lambda's already finished changing, then he'll lean on the doorway before he has to go,]
Were you trying to see what kind of reaction I'd have?
no subject
[ she was teasing him, but she's genuine. she's greedy and selfish in this way. ]
Won't you let me?
no subject
he glances away, and then, in the same light tone.]
You'll be bored if you see all of me too soon.
no subject
[ even if what he's ready to give her now is more than enough, at the same it will still never be enough.
it's something she will have to grapple with. ]
no subject
...If you say so.
[the way this should be so dangerous to rang but he's just curious to see if it's really true. he looks at lambda a beat longer, then straightens from where he's leaning.]
I'll let everyone else who cares for you have their turn.