[ she recalls ylfa talking to her about stories once, about going off the beaten path, but she doesn't want to make too many assumptions or jump into any conclusions. ]
[ he hears that and it pretty much knocks the wind out of him, making it hard to breath or talk entirely for a second - the burning feeling of either being just about to cry or laugh hysterically. What the fuck.
he has to get up and pace around, actually. Maybe it’s not related. Maybe it’s a different witch in the woods who trades in terrible deals for changing a story’s ending. ]
Can you start at the beginning? I know it’s probably ... confusing, right now.
[ she watches him pace for a moment. maybe he doesn't want to jump to conclusions either. ]
Once, I thought I was a girl, cursed to be a swan, cursed to be a swan longer than I was human, but after meeting the other three who were with me, I remembered a little of here, of this Reaper's game, and we chose to go somewhere, somewhere important to Fei Du.
We all died, but once again, I was a girl, who was cursed but no longer human but could no longer turn into a swan, and I didn't remember I've never been human— [ but she doesn't sound as certain as she should here, as if she's still grasping onto what's reality and what's on a page. ] But I remembered the previous life, so it was twice, I was cursed, wasn't it?
[ she's asking that, as if she's asking gerard to confirm it despite how she knows he wasn't there.
[ he probably wasn’t there, but this is all so familiar a feeling that he, in some sense, maybe was a little there. ]
That happens. When you wake up. Everything— It can all be true. It’s all a version of your story.
When I woke up after dying again, I remembered the story of my life, the one where I fell in love with a princess and the princess fell in love with me, despite being a frog, and true love transformed me back. And I remembered the story where, frustrated and disgusted with the frog, threw him into a wall to break the curse.
[ he nods, honestly a little grateful he feels he doesn’t have to explain too much. she seems to get it. ]
I don’t know about pure. I wasn’t always so attentive, or caring and think I forgot how to try for a long time. The way I needed her to stay the same forever - needed it, or I’d start to change back, to keep the curse broken - was too much to ask. It isn’t a fair thing to put on anyone. Ever after and all of that.
[ the thing that fairytales aren’t often about but is often so true in life is that your teenage romance is really unlikely to last forever.
as for his story now. ]
I do love her. More than anything. And I think the most loving thing I do for her is to let her go. But I’m not sure where I go now. I haven’t lived that ending yet. It was right before ... all of this.
[ she sounds certain about this. even if he failed in loving elody in a way that made her stay, that doesn't mean his love wasn't pure and enduring. isn't his deal proof of that? how many would give up their humanity or their name for someone if they didn't love them with a love that's pure? ]
It is your fault for not trying enough. [ she won't excuse him for that. ] I don't know the circumstances of your relationship or what led to you two drifting apart like that, but.... [ she wonders if they couldn't have tried to compromise, whatever it was, and maybe it could have lasted longer even if it wasn't forever. ] You made a sacrifice not many would. Not many can say they'd be willing to let go like you did.
[ she respects self-sacrifice in the name of love. ]
You gave yourself a chance at a different ending. I hope you can make it something that's good for you.
[ she doesn't know about happy, if he doesn't accept his frogness, but she can hope for better than miserable. ]
[ at the very least, he’d never blamed elody for them falling apart. at first it was always outside forces and then himself, and then the something like the truth - sometimes it just doesn’t work because of the very nature of it. you can love someone but wonder forever if you love them just because that’s the way the story is supposed to go, because if you stop loving them the consequences will be terrible and hideous, and there was never any other option. that it can drive you absolutely mad to live like that. ]
I, um ... [ he rubs a hand at his face, pressing at his eyes, trying not to sound quite so choked up as he actually feels at that. it’s one of the kindest things he’s ever heard? ]
Thank you.
[ though he feels a little terrible he came in here to ask her about the probably insanely traumatic thing that happened to her and then got weepy about his failed marriage. ]
[ she thinks a love defined and contained by a story is too constraining. even living it, she thought so, but what else could she do within her story, if she wanted a chance to be cured? she thinks living a story is as horrible as spirits from her world being warped by their fame.
she closes her eyes when he brings the conversation back to her and tries to sound as detached as possible. ]
The first time, in the first life, she had been shot by a hunter and refused to leave the lake to search for love anymore. In the second, she.... she no longer was there, for some reason, or I no longer had memories of her in that second life even though I still remembered her from the first life, and I didn't want that. I couldn't have that, so.... when we finally met Baba Yaga, I wanted her to have a happy ending when she lost her chance to.
[ it wouldn't do if they were both unhappy. if only one of them could be.... why wouldn't she try for it? ]
[ he knows she might disagree, or say something in argument, but everything she’s ever actually done - at least what he’s seen, has been kind. pragmatism doesn’t necessarily mean discarding everything soft and fragile. ]
[ there is genuine surprise to hear him call her that, and it makes her feel a bit complicated, but he is right. she does disagree. she is a loving person, but kindness is something she attributes to others. ]
I called you barely better than pathetic the other day.
[ she's trying to keep this light. ]
It's not a choice I'm unused to making. [ ... ] I think.
[ yes but calling him pathetic and being sorta mean its princess behavior and very familiar and kind of comforting. It’s definitely the kind of thing Elody would put bluntly too.]
Oh, I don’t know. You don’t mince words and I don’t mind hearing it. Maybe I’ve been being a bit pathetic?
[ are all princesses mean in neverafter? good for them! ]
Are you a masochist, Gerard?
[ she's just wondering. ]
... How do you keep your story straight? If you have so many different versions.
[ she has experience with separate spiritual incarnations and different sets of memories, but those are easier to separate than having multiple versions of a story flipping through her mind right now. ]
Well-- I'm not sure I do, is the real answer. Maybe they're all me, in some way, so trying to pick out which story is which isn't worth it in the end. I know what matters.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she recalls ylfa talking to her about stories once, about going off the beaten path, but she doesn't want to make too many assumptions or jump into any conclusions. ]
I traded my own for it.
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[ he hears that and it pretty much knocks the wind out of him, making it hard to breath or talk entirely for a second - the burning feeling of either being just about to cry or laugh hysterically. What the fuck.
he has to get up and pace around, actually. Maybe it’s not related. Maybe it’s a different witch in the woods who trades in terrible deals for changing a story’s ending. ]
Can you start at the beginning? I know it’s probably ... confusing, right now.
no subject
Once, I thought I was a girl, cursed to be a swan, cursed to be a swan longer than I was human, but after meeting the other three who were with me, I remembered a little of here, of this Reaper's game, and we chose to go somewhere, somewhere important to Fei Du.
We all died, but once again, I was a girl, who was cursed but no longer human but could no longer turn into a swan, and I didn't remember I've never been human— [ but she doesn't sound as certain as she should here, as if she's still grasping onto what's reality and what's on a page. ] But I remembered the previous life, so it was twice, I was cursed, wasn't it?
[ she's asking that, as if she's asking gerard to confirm it despite how she knows he wasn't there.
how he probably wasn't there. ]
no subject
That happens. When you wake up. Everything— It can all be true. It’s all a version of your story.
When I woke up after dying again, I remembered the story of my life, the one where I fell in love with a princess and the princess fell in love with me, despite being a frog, and true love transformed me back. And I remembered the story where, frustrated and disgusted with the frog, threw him into a wall to break the curse.
So twice cursed, yes. In a sense.
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.... Was this pulled from your memories? Or the memories of your world?
[ ... ]
Is this what you have to live with, Gerard?
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[ yeah! in a lot of ways.
there’s a reason he’d freaked out when she mentioned her particular trade. ]
... When I met the Baba Yaga I traded my name, my humanity for hers. Elody’s.
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[ it gives a context to his earlier reaction, and her eyes widen a little before her expression softens. that kind of trade, that kind of sacrifice—
it resonates, even outside of the trade she made during the time she thought she was a story. ]
Your love is pure. [ a beat. ] But where does that leave you? What is your story now?
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I don’t know about pure. I wasn’t always so attentive, or caring and think I forgot how to try for a long time. The way I needed her to stay the same forever - needed it, or I’d start to change back, to keep the curse broken - was too much to ask. It isn’t a fair thing to put on anyone. Ever after and all of that.
[ the thing that fairytales aren’t often about but is often so true in life is that your teenage romance is really unlikely to last forever.
as for his story now. ]
I do love her. More than anything. And I think the most loving thing I do for her is to let her go. But I’m not sure where I go now. I haven’t lived that ending yet. It was right before ... all of this.
no subject
[ she sounds certain about this. even if he failed in loving elody in a way that made her stay, that doesn't mean his love wasn't pure and enduring. isn't his deal proof of that? how many would give up their humanity or their name for someone if they didn't love them with a love that's pure? ]
It is your fault for not trying enough. [ she won't excuse him for that. ] I don't know the circumstances of your relationship or what led to you two drifting apart like that, but.... [ she wonders if they couldn't have tried to compromise, whatever it was, and maybe it could have lasted longer even if it wasn't forever. ] You made a sacrifice not many would. Not many can say they'd be willing to let go like you did.
[ she respects self-sacrifice in the name of love. ]
You gave yourself a chance at a different ending. I hope you can make it something that's good for you.
[ she doesn't know about happy, if he doesn't accept his frogness, but she can hope for better than miserable. ]
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I, um ... [ he rubs a hand at his face, pressing at his eyes, trying not to sound quite so choked up as he actually feels at that. it’s one of the kindest things he’s ever heard? ]
Thank you.
[ though he feels a little terrible he came in here to ask her about the probably insanely traumatic thing that happened to her and then got weepy about his failed marriage. ]
So your sister ... ?
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she closes her eyes when he brings the conversation back to her and tries to sound as detached as possible. ]
The first time, in the first life, she had been shot by a hunter and refused to leave the lake to search for love anymore. In the second, she.... she no longer was there, for some reason, or I no longer had memories of her in that second life even though I still remembered her from the first life, and I didn't want that. I couldn't have that, so.... when we finally met Baba Yaga, I wanted her to have a happy ending when she lost her chance to.
[ it wouldn't do if they were both unhappy. if only one of them could be.... why wouldn't she try for it? ]
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[ he knows she might disagree, or say something in argument, but everything she’s ever actually done - at least what he’s seen, has been kind. pragmatism doesn’t necessarily mean discarding everything soft and fragile. ]
And I’m sorry, that you had to make that choice.
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I called you barely better than pathetic the other day.
[ she's trying to keep this light. ]
It's not a choice I'm unused to making. [ ... ] I think.
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Oh, I don’t know. You don’t mince words and I don’t mind hearing it. Maybe I’ve been being a bit pathetic?
[ he will cop to that. ]
You think?
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Are you a masochist, Gerard?
[ she's just wondering. ]
... How do you keep your story straight? If you have so many different versions.
[ she has experience with separate spiritual incarnations and different sets of memories, but those are easier to separate than having multiple versions of a story flipping through her mind right now. ]
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No!
[ maybe. ]
Well-- I'm not sure I do, is the real answer. Maybe they're all me, in some way, so trying to pick out which story is which isn't worth it in the end. I know what matters.
no subject
That might be the most profound thing I've heard from you. I can't say I disagree with that take.