diluvian | alex catchall

[ sometime when alex is focusing on opening her senses somewhere, lambda will blink into view.

and then immediately blink out. ]

Long time, no see, Alex.

[ at least her voice is still here. ]

[ she brightens up—and then lamba blinks out again. ]

What—come on, I'm concentrating! Why's it like this sometimes?

I think it has more to do with how the dimensions are behaving right now more than you.

It looked like things have been a little hard for you lately.

[ nodding... ]

That goes for everyone on this side, really.

So I've seen. But I care less about them.

[ alex is lambda's favorite currently living person right now. ]

[ wehs ]

... Do you still care, though? Even though I couldn't—keep it together more? Barely solved anything?

[ she blinks into view and there's a flash of a vending machine before it's gone. she's still here, though. ]

It takes as much to lose my care as it does to earn it. You all didn't trip near the finish line. [ a beat. ] I shouldn't say that since we still haven't crossed it, but you all passed the last trial, so I don't see why I shouldn't be here talking to you.

[ alex's eyes are tracking her while she's here, but the flickers make her lips purse for a moment. ]

I guess. We're in, like, second to last place though so I'd call that barely even making it to the finish line. I don't know. It's been... really frustrating.

It's better than getting wiped, don't you think?

[ you have that above three teams. ]

What's been frustrating you?

Not that we even had any control over that.

... I'm just being spoiled. I'm used to being able to do more. [ and she's maybe extra moody about it because lambda seemed to like her so much for that conviction. and then she. failed to rely deliver on it. ]

Your youth helped.

[ that's a guess. she doesn't know if that's for real. ]

We all are. I wanted to be able to do more, too. I think you did what you could with what you had. Unless you want to tell me otherwise?

I don't know if "everyone felt sorry for you" helps that much, but. Yeah, I mean, objectively that's probably true.

[ mn. she shakes her head. ] I could have just started playing the game the way we're supposed to. That's all.

It doesn't hurt to take advantage of what you can.

[ her lips curve into a small smile. ]

Oh? You finally decided that it would have been better to have blood on your hands?

... Everyone is saying things will work out. And if they do, then great. But it's like I didn't have any hand in that, and if all of this, whatever this is, doesn't work out, it's going to be—annoying.

[ that's an understatement. ]

I don't want to hurt anyone. I want there to just be some miracle thing we all work really hard for that means no one has to get, like, sacrificed. But if there's not, then I should have made sure my team made it out.

You can use a stronger word than annoying. I don't like empty platitudes, but a couple teams did its fair share of killing, and it should be enough.

Like what, making alliances?

Yeah, and it sucks that they had to do it all.

... Alliances, sure. I mean, we kind of did that.

Sure. It's harder on some more than others.

[ unfortunate how killing doesn't make lambda feel guilty or horrible at all. ]

I did notice you kind of looked away from Froggystyle during trials sometimes. Unless you mean something else...?

Guess I can't really say, "I should have handled it for them," because I didn't, so. Who knows if I could. It's just frustrating.

I might have done that anyway. I just liked them?

What ifs are fine if you can learn from them, but if they start to keep you from moving....

[ well, she thinks alex is smart enough to get what she means. ]

You know one of them killed me, right?

... Yeah. I didn't find that out 'til way later. 'Til I already liked them all too much.

But sorry. Not sure it helps, but. You know.

[ she waves a hand. it's whatever. ]

I don't mind. I've stopped minding for a while.

Well. I'm still sorry. And I'm sorry for having a like—for all of this. Right now.

[ truly just burdening someone with your slow-motion mental breakdown after not seeing them for weeks straight. she is aware that sucks. ]

If I found you or what you're saying annoying, I would walk away.

[ it's a little surprising to lambda that alex is willing or wanting to say this much to her, but she doesn't mind. ]

Or make you lose your focus.

Sounds right.

[ and alex does finally laugh a little under her breath. ]

That wouldn't be hard. I'm already having trouble standing still for this—but walking and concentrating and talking and making someone follow me when we're in different places... It's all bad.

If you don't want to walk, talk, and focus but want to go somewhere else, just drop the focus and refocus when you get there.

Don't make it too difficult on yourself.

[ even if there's no guarantee the same person will be there when you focus again. ]

week 7, monday

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