diluvian | netzach catchall

...yeah. Until we knew it was her, I was... sure that it was someone doing it on purpose. Trying to take all of them out.

[it's not very reassuring to have heard otherwise, considering the end result.]

That's a reason I would have preferred over the one I heard from her. It would have been less cruel to be ruthless.

[ her derision is off the charts. ]

Would it? Or would everything just have felt more justifiable to us in the end?

What's justifiable is different to everyone. I won't pretend to understand what can be justified to others and I don't care to.

It's less cruel to me.

[ and she's someone who doesn't care too much about what's cruel or kind in the first place. ]

...think you're right, in some ways. It'd feel-- it'd all be easier, if it had been like that. Less complicated.

Easier. Cleaner. Less offensive.

Exactly. Instead it's just-- a mess.

[he pauses, there, his emotions just... conflicted.]

I don't know. I... really can't say it's better that it wasn't, after everything that happened, but I think I'm still a little relieved that she wasn't like that.

[ her emotions coil tightly, as if she's trying to keep from lashing out. ]

That's where we'll have to disagree. I don't want anything to do with her anymore.

...just reminds me too much of someone I knew, I guess.

[it's just the inherent bias of it. everything's still mixed, on his end.]

It'd be easier if I could feel the same as you do.

I don't want to meet this someone she reminds you of. I don't need to be reminded of how humans are anymore than I already have.

[that gets something more like a backlash, actually, something defensive.]

No-- no, she wasn't like that. She was never like that.

...maybe I was just wrong to think they were similar.

[just wanted to think that the reminders meant that was how libby really was.]

What... reason did she give you, anyway? She didn't tell me.

Don't let nostalgia bind or blind you, Netzach.

[ it's not like she can't understand. there are a couple people here that remind her of people she cares or cared for back home. it's easy to gravitate. it's easier to want things to be like how you remembered. ]

She didn't tell you?

[ her surprise washes away some of her harsher emotions but only for a second. ]

She gave me the worst reason. She basically told me spirits had less right to exist than humans do because spirits exist in a way that humans don't.

[ here, her tone becomes more mocking, more derisive, sharp as the knives that don't exist on her legs right now. ]

It was less cruel to choose Buzen because he told her he didn't know how much longer he'd continue to exist. So it was better to choose him over someone who could live a fuller life.

Was that really...?

[haha. well. 'how are the vibes?' they're like this, basically.

he's silent for several seconds, but the emotion tangled in with that is, most conspicuously, guilt.]

I don't-- then why Buzen? She knew-

[if that's what made her choose-- why didn't she just try to kill him, instead.]

[ somehow, this isn't entirely the emotions she expected to feel from him. the guilt is the main surprise.

her voice is quiet. ]

What did she know?

...I'm not human, either. She knew this isn't the first time I've been dead. That I don't know how long I'm going to be around if I make it back. I already told her, before, but I wouldn't have guessed she thought that...

[-that it meant he might have less right to exist. not that he thinks that would be incorrect, exactly, for a lot of different reasons, but--

if that was all she needed to go after someone, then why choose buzen and let all three of them die like that? is that why she didn't want to talk about it-?

and if that's how she felt, then just what did she think of him this whole time?]

I'm not the same as them, not exactly, but I'm... close enough.

[ ... ]

If she knew that about you, I can't say why she picked Buzen over you. I can't pretend I understand her, and I no longer care to try.

[ she's silent for another moment, as she deliberates if or what she more she wants to say. ]

I didn't tell her, but I'm not too different either. Once my contract expires with who summoned me, I wouldn't remain for too long.

[ so it's no surprise why hearing that kind of reason from libby made lambda's hackles rise and why libby is more than dead to her. ]

Would you have accepted that reason from her, if she came after you?

I don't know. I might, if I knew she thought about choosing Buzen... I didn't want it to end the way it did, but I knew what the end result was going to be, anyway.

[he'd have preferred matsui to get to take matters into his own hands, but he knew that, in all likelihood, he wouldn't carry on. that part, he was prepared for. and if it had ever been between his own life and three others, a soul he's not sure deserves the chance or two people he felt like he understood and cared about--

...]

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't just let it happen-- I want to live, if I get to have anything left of a life of my own. I have something to see through before then. But I might have accepted fighting her in his place.

[ she shakes her head. ]

Without the what ifs, without knowing, the way Buzen must have been approached. Don't just accept it.

[ how libby understood buzen and netzach could have been that difference or that reason why she picked one over the other, but lambda continues not to know how libby reasoned anything. after all, netzach is known to laze around under the influence, and buzen is a sword. lambda truly doesn't understand. ]

Continue to hold onto that will to live. We should be able to have a life of our own, outside of our duties. [ her voice becomes just a little softer. ] Don't make me see another spirit or nonhuman leave for a boorish reason, Netzach.

[there's an unmistakable wash of surprise at those words, as he gives her a briefly confused look-- but it fades, easing into something a little more warm.]

... I'm gonna try not to. The world turned out to be bigger than I knew, and a lot of it is terrible, but it's... not without its beauty either, you know? I have my job, but I also want to live in it more, not just exist.

I don't want to see you go for that kind of reason, either, but I feel like I should be more worried for anyone who tries it than I should be about you...

[ oh. those words manage to cut through all her negativity, just a little. there's a small splash of pleasure, followed by amusement. ]

There's a little more optimism in you than expected. [ to see beauty in the world like that. spoken like an artist. ]

Don't worry so much. I expect you'd see me go out because my team is voted for before anything else.

[ sorry, she won't hide that she has no qualms about murder. ]

I don't know if it's really optimism... but I think there are things worth seeing, anyway.

[a little more warmth on his end, there, managing a small smile at those emotions from her.]

Hopefully that's the only way either one of us is gonna go.

That's optimistic enough.

[ as somehow who views things with a filter of boredom and logic, it's optimistic enough to her. ]

Oh? Would you choose to take action to advance your team?

[ unless he means being scapegoated. which i would also accept. ]

...I don't want to. But I've had to do it before.

[a little shake of his head, there.]

If we ever get voted for, though, and it wasn't us-- I already talked about that with Yuzu and Zelda. I don't want it to be either of them.

Oh, Netzach.

[ she doesn't sound or feel surprised. ]

I won't argue that choice. It's yours and your team's to make.

[it's one he's already set on, though his teammates will likely have an issue with this after week 3.]

I'd rather do the fighting myself than have to watch them do it. That's all. I've had enough of just watching people die, and not being able to do anything.

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diluvian - 2023-07-08 08:55 (UTC) - Expand

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